Windows in My life

Monday, June 2, 2014

Post weekend blues

I forgot how busy one can get with birthdays, social engagements, and just enjoying downtime with the littles.

What I didn't like is how awkward I felt with all the couples around and how the parents would say the required hello and then go away. Then when we went to Bella's friends house, my "friends" were stepping around certain things with me, I knew they would but it still felt forced and stiff, not like it was before the X and I split.

Some day I will have some one by my side, so I won't be that socially awkward around my couple friends. He will be handsome and knock everyone's socks off with how nice he treats me and the girls. How the married ladies would swoon to me and ask if he is really mine and I will with out hesitation say YES.

Just takes time and I need to keep on going with my fantasies.

Just hate the post weekend blues when I had such an awesome time with the littes.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Way too much this weekend

My social calendar goes from nothing to OH MY GOSH literally in less than a week. This is what happened.

Saturday afternoon is a friends' party and since it was mid day to night I thought it would be fun to have a small meet and greet (a majority my Oakland friends haven't met the littles) after swim class and then go home. Then Sunday a friend of the elder little is having a party.

Elder little's Best friend's mom calls says "How about we do something for {Little} because the bestie is having a meet and greet for Kindergarten on the day of the party." I say sure When? Friday night.

There is the OMG moment in my world. Go from complaining about nothing to do to having every day filled with one thing or another.

And this probably won't stop till September with the birthdays!!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Falling for another

After my separation (and now divorce), I've been thinking about how my heart would react to another man in my life. How my heart would feel being that I still have feelings for the X no matter what some one says, he is the father of my littes and some one I deeply cared about.

However, being what I went through for 2 years, seeing what he put the littles through and myself, it is hard to try to find some bone that had a ounce of love for him. Let alone the other 50% of the population that shares the same Y Chromosome.

Yet, after the two years, I think I found some one that anytime he looks at me I feel gushy inside. I feel like my X didn't exist when I look into his eyes. Time and reality slows down when I am with him. Staying up watching YouTube videos at midnight and arguing about cooking methods that are being used is actually fun. 

I think he feels the same way because of his actions speak louder than his words. He gets in the front seat of my car if another guy is around me. The other day I took him and a friend on a cider run and I had said tall people in the front, yet he jumped in the front seat and let the tall guy in back. He sticks close to me when we are alone and when other people are around. And he walked with me around a hotel during a school event because he wanted to be with me with no other person around, then the other night I put my arm through his and he held it tight against his body.

Its hard with him leaving to tell him that I really could see a future together if we had a bit more time. I know he needs to leave and I don't want to be any reason why he has regrets about leaving. I also know in 6 months time he may forget me.

Maybe in time I may forget him as well and this period in my life will be a happy blip on how I got to a better person because of him.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Flowers for Amanda

I feel like the main character in the book Flowers for Algernon.

Charlie, the main character, is stupid then becomes smarts and leaves the life he knew alone, then after a few weeks he runs out of what he needs and becomes stupid again and leaves that life behind because he forgets what it was like when he was smart.

Instead of smart, as the main character does, I have become medicated again. Which doesn't mean I forgot what my life was before medication, I become a different person. A stranger to myself, to others for a few moments in time. I am the same person, yet I am not. I am more introverted, more observant of the world, and more mellow.

I find that while I am medicated, people who liked the extroverted - non medicated me have trouble adjusting to it because they have an expectation of who I am. An expectation of a wilder side than I really have. However when the non medicated me comes out another darker side called Bi-polar depression comes out and makes my life a struggle. The non medicated me tries to hide it however does a poor job.

Please be patient while the medication takes time to sink in. I am still the same person, just truer to who I really am.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Play Ball!!!


The glass doors

Field seating!

Almost to my seat
close to home as I can get for now!


Just close to the players. Almost can touch them...

View of Panda

more players

still more players

Lou Seal

Can't go to a game with out a picture of the Bunker

My Traditional picture of the SF Giants Clock



Good game. A W tonight

Pitcher for the Twins
His autograph

Suzuki's autograph!

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Life as I know it

I may not be the best of words and sentence structure however its better to speak from the heart than to not and feel weird that you didn't.

Post separation and now post divorce has left me in an emotional void. Leaving me to ponder what was the wrong thing that I did, he did and how the relationships that I have with men, friends with benefits or just friends right now are being shaped with the views I have of my self right now.

My kids are the ones I value the most when it comes to this dynamic. They are my world. I will not introduce them to guys i date unless its becoming obviously clear that he will become a more stable part of my life ie getting married, or going to stick around and be faithful to me and them till the end of his life. However they will know about them because they are a part of me. I am very protective and they know they come first and not second. I put them above all.

However it makes me side eye a few men in general. Not that its bad just becoming more picky. Really would like a commitment from some one however I know that its not going to happen that soon so I better just commit to myself.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

My oh My

Where has the time gone? I'll be honest, haven't written because of my insane schedule.

Single mom and going to school for my dream job.

Yup my dream job. I don't know why I waited so long to do this. Maybe I thought I wouldn't be happy with what I really wanted to do instead of what others wanted me to do.

I have all ready won scholarship money from Crispin Cider by baking a sweet deep fried apple rings. Let me tell you something it was AWESOME! Waiting for them to post the announcement some where however I will get off my lazy duff and post the recipes (yep 3) on here.

enough on the first day.