Windows in My life

Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to say I'm sorry

Yesterday was the first day of couples therapy. I thought it would be a round like any other around our house. I went in with an open mind and thoughts that this might be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. However I heard something for the first time in years from him. "I am hurt. She doesn't support me when I am down." Maybe I have but there has been a lot on my plate in resent months and I have been reflecting on me not us. I thought I was. I thought that by doing all of the things I was doing that it was helping us. In reality it was tearing us a part.

I wanted to say I am sorry at the appointment however when I did say it he wasn't hearing it. I understand, I know he needs time. Its hard for me to not want to wrap my arms around him, give him comfort when he's wounded. I probably would do the same. Its his choice when he wants to come back to being us. For now I need to wait and just be. That is very hard for me to do. Very hard.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Today we start

Today we start couples therapy. I would like to think that this is some blimp in our other wise happy marriage I would be wrong. I really hope he can open up and tell me the reasons in therapy. He said he would tell me the reason why he needs his own space there at least.

I am needing so many positive thoughts it hurts. I have been working with everyone I could think of to get my emotions, thoughts and feelings under control about this situation and not have them spill to the kids.

The kids hurt right now especially Bella. A few nights ago she tried to put our hands together and he pulled away. I think she can feel that daddy is going away. I am trying to stay strong for her and for Grace. They are the real victims here.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Unemployment Sucks

As of yesterday I got denied again for unemployment. Yes, I have a roof over my head and two daughters to look after however it's going to be a thousand times rougher to go for an interview and then if I need to put Bella and Grace in Day Care I at least have 1 spot however if both need to go because of some twisted sense of reality (and you know that will happen with me) I am stuck again. Maybe not I get a job with a daycare built in.

I had another argument with husband. If he moves out (more likely now) I want to know the place that the kids will be staying and that over nights might be a month or two after that. He thinks I don't trust him with Bella or Grace. I do however think it will take a few times to know the place. I don't want to throw her in a place that it doesn't feel like home. I am still breastfeeding Grace so it would be tough for me to stop that on the weekend or weeks she's gone.

I married and had kids because I love him, I thought this wouldn't happen. I promised myself that if I opened my heart to a man it would be for life. I had my fair share of horrid people in my life. I want to be happy, joyful with him and the kids that we brought into this world. If I had any doubts I would not have gotten married, I would have just spent my life alone. Now I feel like this is a horrid dream I can't wake up from and I so want to wake up, be hugged and told everything will be ok and all right.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Fractured Fairy Tale

My life is one right now. I have known my husband for 8 years, 4 of them married and 2 kids ages 3 and 7 months.

Just recently I found out that in the 5 years he has slowly fallen out of love with me. Why? Only he knows at this point and not sharing. Now he wants to be separated, live in his own place "for a while" and work on us.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay here with me and the kids. I don't want weekends away from them. I don't want them to know a new place. I feel like I am very selfish right now. I feel very protective of my children right now.

Maybe in a few months with some talking to a councilor we'll be on the right track. Though right now in the moment, I feel hurt, betrayed, a lone. However I have to be strong, willing to hear him out and finding a way to put two kids in daycare AND pay for my home. Any suggestions?

Friday, July 13, 2012

#MLBMobyWrap ~ Giveaway

As promised, today Friday the 13th and its my Blog's birthday! Four years ago I got on to the internet and started to type away.

My life with wearing wraps started with my eldest daughter, as one usually does right? However the first couple of attempts were problematic. They didn't fit well or my eldest became too heavy, as baby's do.

Skipping the baby carrier, whether it be wrap or pack of some type, was something I thought I could do. So on my first visit with my eldest to AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants, was with me, my daughter and the stroller, as you can see she wanted out and I had to hold her the rest of the tour, probably cut short because of me and her.

The second time I visited, my husband came and I thought I would be smart. Bring the Baby Bjorn, I thought. As you can see my husband nor the Bjorn helped with my eldest's feelings of being miserable. I wished there was another option.


Two years and some months later my youngest was born and a few months after that Moby Wraps came out with their MLB line. I was over the moon excited to see the first few teams they had was the SF Giants! They had both the "Orange" (really Sienna) and Black, so I bought both! 
much better with the Moby!
So decided to give you my readers a chance to win one yourself! Here are the current teams, hopefully your home team or favorite team is represented. I know one team I would love to see (maybe have) is the Minnesota Twins (click here for my reason)!

Atlanta Braves (Navy)Arizona Diamondbacks (White)Boston Red Sox (Red)Chicago Cubs (Gray)Chicago White Sox (Gray)
Cincinnati Reds (Red)Detroit Tigers (Navy)LA Dodgers (Gray)LA Dodgers (White)New York Mets (Gray)
Oakland Athletics (Black)Oakland Athletics (Gray)Philadelphia Phillies (Gray)SF Giants (Black)SF Giants (Sienna)
St. Louis Cardinals (White)
a Rafflecopter giveaway



Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Book for the Toddler Parents

So a few months ago a twitter friend @abbienourmel (read her blog its interesting!) recommended a book called "I Brake for Meltdowns: How to Handle the Most Exasperating Behavior of Your 2- to 5-year-old"


I thought mehh I don't need a book to tell me that I am a bad parent and yet another thing to run my all ready complicated life even more to the ground. So I waited. As my life got more of a meltdown and my husband told me to "fix myself", I decided to check the book out.

And boy did this book change my life and book recommendations! I have been reading this book for a week now and I have been able to control my own melt downs when it comes to the tiny terror. I haven't put some of the valuable information in to practice because I have to wait till they appear, however the information about sleep time and how to discipline them with out being over bearing has been super effective. I have learned about potty training in a whole new light and feel like I can tackle the task with a much stronger grasp instead of yelling at her, I can make sure she's comfortable with her life and that milestone as I think she wasn't too happy with the fact that I have been hard nosed about getting her out of diapers... excuse me Pull-Ups, for the last 8 months. I don't look at it as shameful or a reflection of my parenting, but something she needs to be ready for and I think that will win the war and not have to fight the battle.

As the best advice I can give a new parent is to buy this book before the kid(s) reach the age of two because it will save your sanity trying to figure out how to make sure you don't become "that parent" at the playground. You know, the one that when a kid does one thing out of line, its like World War 3 and even the birds clear a path for the explosion.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do I believe in myself?

At the end of Peter Pan, Peter asks everyone to clap if they believe in Tinkerbell as she lay clinging to life at the end of the movie. I remember as a young girl, clapping my hands to make sure the 40 year old movie heard me and I remember being joyful when she woke up and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

I still believe in Tinkerbell and clap at the end of the movie, what I did lose is the belief in myself. Having a horrid childhood can do that to a person. And I have been taking it out and not believing in the people around me. Especially my husband. I don't know if he has the energy to clap anymore.

When I was younger my mother (Captain Hook in Peter Pan); threw cannon ball after cannon ball of negativity, self doubt and every bad curse word she could think of to knock me down and my step-dad was there to help dust me off but as I got older the cannon balls made holes in me. Far too tiny to see in a picture by an outsider. I could see it though. I thought that by growing up and getting away from her I was able to start believing in myself. I thought wrong.

I think when I had Bella, I thought it was part of my mother's curse. Yet another thing my mother got right about who I am as a person. And as I learned the sex of my second child I felt like again I had failed. However my husband didn't give up the belief I could change my attitude towards them as they didn't chose to become girls just to taunt me. I realize this now as I look back on the past 3 years and two kids later.

I need to start clapping for myself. Believing I can succeed in life, to teach my girls they can succeed in life with the grace and dignity that I should have been raised with but was unfortunate not to get. I need to show my husband that this will work for the family and not a fly by night one time deal.

I am still going to do the #MLBMobyWrap Giveaway because this week is the All Star Break and I am still all about giveaways!

So world watch out I am clapping my way to victory. I am still in the top of the seventh with one out and a runner on second.