Windows in My life

Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me.