Windows in My life

Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Feeling like I can't talk, but I want to

In this world of Social Media and all the data in the world, some times I feel that I have to censor myself to the world so that it would not reflect poorly on me and my family.

However I have been thinking.

I need to speak on my blog about the things that I have been going through because I think its best that my world becomes open and shed some light on my feelings and how it is impacting me.

The feelings of isolation is a big factor in my decision. I feel that once I open this blog to the world of my mind then I can feel more free about who I am becoming. I know this blog is low on the list of readership and I am not feeding my own social media boost. I am only trying to make my blog truly about me and my children and not something that I am going to look back and be ashamed of.

I will talk about my crafts, Etsy, and other things that come to my mind, however I am not going to try and censor what I feel on this blog. Even when it may hurt my chances of keeping my kids (my biggest fear), I will not talk about people negatively no matter how I feel about these people in my life. When I do talk it will be in my voice. When I talk it will be in the present and not in the past. Though I may need to give some background information however its not going to be too detailed.

I am going forward and so should this blog.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Green Bear - A Car Story

The year 1962. The place Walnut Creek, California. The time, say mid morning. A newly rolled out VolksWagon in a car dealership sparkling in the sun. Elvis is playing on the AM radio some where. A man in a suit and tie walks towards a couple as they peer into the freshly washed window, of the newest 1963 model, seeing the new leather, room for their growing family and shopping. They buy the car and enjoy it.   Ten years down the road, same family, yet they are a little older, have two daughters who lay on the hood like car models they see in magazines. The family keeps the car very well maintained for an older model VW.
sorry its upside down

Eighteen years later, a family member is in need to take a baby to and from places, the car is given to a new owner with some sadness from the old owner. The memories flood back and as the car drives away, the woman wonders if she will ever see it again.

A little shy of the car's thirtieth year of life, tragedy hits. In the hills of Marin County coming back from a weekend trip to Napa, the original engine dies and the guy driving the car is forced to tow it to a shop to get it replaced. He still needs it to get around and to see the little girl that is growing up. She has named it "Green Bear" as it is green and for no other reason, the man lets her call it that. The car doesn't mind at all. Another tragedy comes when it's broken into several times because it is old and people think it can be just taken on a joy ride. The man tells the little girl that he might have to either sell it or junk it. She cries. He decides to take it off the streets, his sister gives him a new car, her old car, and he takes it to Napa for a few years.

In the mists of these years it sat waiting for the man to bring it back to life, which he did on the weekends when he was in Napa. Then one day, he turns the car towards the freeway and doesn't stop till he's in Oakland, where that once young girl is standing now a teenager, and has a license to drive! She is new to the road. Doesn't take it easy on the now thirty-five, or thirty-six years old car. She wants to explore the world. The man says "Do not take it on the freeway, as it's not safe for you or the car". The girl nods and plots to go to places that are only accessible by the freeway. And she does. The man says "do not drive on too many hills, as it's not safe for you or the car", the girl does anyway.

Being a first time driver she is very rough on the car. She has many accidents with it and for a time it does not run. Yet the car is ingrained in her soul. She has it for a few more months after she graduates from high school and then it's returned to Napa to wait patiently for the return of her. Years are not too good on the car.

On it's fortieth birthday it is in Napa baking in the sun, the rain rusting parts that were so lovely taken care of. The feeling that the scrap heap is its final destination. The man tells the young woman that she's better off with out it. She again cries. She vows not to let it go. He purses his lips, but let's this battle go.

In its late forties, the car has seen better days, it feels like its going to wither in the sun, until the girl comes and says, "I am taking you with me!" and proceeds to hook up the car to a hitch as the car's tires are not yet tested to drive long distances. Again it is sidelined for a newer car, however not in the elements as it once was. A few months later, it is again hitched to a trailer and taken to the streets of a small city, again exposed to the elements. Immobile by the years of neglect. The woman and her husband roll it to one side of the street to the other side every other week. The car gets a few tickets because of forgetfulness on their part. A year goes by and finally it gets taken to a repair shop and it gets a small dose of tender loving care. It perks up and starts to run again. A few weeks later it gets placed in a garage, away from the elements, away from the street weepers. It is now waiting for more tender loving care from the woman.

Now the car is in its fiftieth year. Most cars are gone from that era. It knows that. It is very lucky to be in a garage when most of its counter parts are now buried in rust. The woman has two small girls. It hopes to be running great by the time they are old enough to drive. When it becomes sixty years old.

Thank you for reading. The car has been passed down from my aunt to my dad to me. Some of the facts from the 1960's I am not too sure of, so don't treat them like they are real facts. I only know what people have told me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Happy 2 months of life Baby Grace

Two months and a day ago, I thought I would not be able to love two girls.
Grace a few hours old

You proved me wrong.

I love you and your sister, (though trying as both of you maybe) with a love that can not be expressed in words.

You have survived the kissing and hugging and patting from Bella.

You have survived mommy's melt downs with and with out medication. Mommy is the one that's in need of medication.

You have survived another milestone in your small short life. 

Grace at 1 month
You are teaching me another lesson in slowing down and taking one step at a time and to remember to breath.

You are letting me experience the joy of motherhood a second time and seeing life through your brand new eyes.

This time I am a bit more relaxed.

This time I don't feel the pressure of trying to have the perfect anything and everything.

This time I know when you look into my eyes, I know what you are thinking... well some of the time.

This time I can do what's right for me and not feel like I am going to hurt you. 


All I want to do is love and hold you.

Thank you baby Grace.
Grace at 2 months old