Windows in My life

Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The cold and warm days

We all have them. Husband is still cool towards me, however there are times where I see him warming up towards me. Then as I think he's going to crack he mounts the ice wall and freezes me out again. *Sigh* what am I to do besides let him be him right?

I have been working with a long time friend of mine Pen, as she likes to be called, for a few weeks. We have talked for a few hours a day or by text. She's my life line without her I would have been a fish out of water. She's been brave to share her stories so I can learn from them in order for me to put forth a new Amanda. An enjoyable, love able self that I know that is in me.

Her own stories and journey through life, though different, has put an insight to my own past and change my own reality of how my mother was. To drop the baggage out of a window of a moving train. I never knew how freeing something was until I dropped a few pounds of emotional garbage that I thought I got rid of, but I did not.

I hope it's not too late for us so we can get back to being that happy couple again as my picture shows above. I feel there is a chance and I will be holding my arms out to give him the biggest hug I can.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Perfect Day #HAWMC

The perfect day would start in my bed (with a head board), my husband and daughters gone for a few hours so I can catch up on the needed rest. I wouldn't have to take my medication because on that day, I wouldn't be Bi-Polar or Manic or have any postpartum depression symptoms: anxiety, worry, feeling like I was a failure because I had to or needed to do something to keep my family a float.

I would get served breakfast in bed by my husband and my daughters: two hash browns, eggs, bacon, toast, glass of orange juice, silver dollar pancakes and fresh fruit of the month. There would be no yelling, no telling my eldest "No don't touch" or "No, leave it that's Mommy's". She would know not to touch my breakfast.

My husband would have the house all mopped and tidy. The laundry that has been in the hampers in our room would be magically put away and the dirty clothes in the washing machine. My youngest daughter would sit and smile (that's all she has to do anyway!), she's four months old. My two cats would be at my feet purring.

After I got dressed and actually felt like I was worthy to be seen in public, we'd all pile in the car and go to the zoo, library, or park for a while and then go to Whole Foods and aimlessly walk around for an hour just because and not buy anything, well lunch is required.

After that we'd go back to the house and my eldest would take a nap in her room and not in the car, my youngest would sleep with me and we'd nap together with my husband. Then in about an hour we'd wake up and there would be no arguing about what is on the Apple TV, it would be on as background noise however I would make sure to have something fun and educational if my eldest would look at it.

My husband would have dinner ready and we'd spend the time talking about the fun day every one had. No yelling, food or drink spilling, eldest using a napkin, and anytime my eldest would want to say something she'd say excuse me and all of my attention would go to her. After dinner, my eldest would get her bath. Not complain about the shampoo and would enjoy getting rinsed off. After that, she'd get into her PJ's, kiss us good night after three stories, and go fast a sleep in her own bed in her own room.

After that my husband would give me a back and foot rub, and draw me a bubble bath. He would have soft music playing so that I could relax and enjoy being in the tub. While I am in my bubble bath, my husband puts my youngest to bed.

Once every one was in bed my husband and I would talk about the day and fall asleep in each other's arms. Well his arms would be over mine, however I would have my arms hugging his.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Top 10 things I could not live with out #hawmc

10: Friday the Thirteenths, Yep today of all days.

9: The internet, I didn't have it until 1997 (Dial up, OH MY!)

8: My Husband. Yeah he's almost at the end however its still higher than the internet

7: Gardening, getting back to reality and to the earth.

6: Television, I wouldn't be able to know random '80-90's trivia with out it.

5: Medication: Lithium, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zolfran, Zoloft, Vicodin, and Tylenol. 

4: Junk food; Dark Chocolate, Caffeine, Ju-Ju Bees, JuJu Fruits,

3: Finding the secret messages/images (like on some pills there is a smile if you turn it upside down):

2: My Daughters, obvious choice!

1: Me, myself and I!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Woman VS the Sewing Machine

I really have a hard time with getting motivated with sewing. I have a craft box full of material that hasn't seen the light of day in a few years.

My husband a few years ago bought two sewing machines. One a Sears $50 dollar blue one that was for light weight things and a $200 dollar Singer heavy duty almost industrial one that according to my husband costs $300 to replace.
This is the machine. It looks easy, right?
Recently I asked to use one of them to do a few projects that I thought I could complete myself. He pulled out the Singer. I was very scared when I saw it on the table for me to use. So I had him help me start one project was the tutu I made for my youngest. Though it didn't quite make it to being a tutu, it was still very motivating for me to make something that wasn't just a test swatch.

Now I am on to my second project, which doesn't seem to hard, is driving both me and my husband nuts. I really would like to stitch two pieces of material together. However its not working out for me. I have the same problem no matter how much I run the machine. The bobbin thread gets bunched up and gets stuck in one place. I almost want to give up each and every time. Even when I just run a piece of fabric it does the same.


Any suggestions on how to fix the problem would be great. I don't want to give it up, and the many times when I asked my husband for help, he tells me he will, then he falls asleep or totally forgets and it doesn't seem to get done any faster than if I do it myself. I feel like a domestic failure.

What am I doing that is wrong? Please help!