Windows in My life

Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do I believe in myself?

At the end of Peter Pan, Peter asks everyone to clap if they believe in Tinkerbell as she lay clinging to life at the end of the movie. I remember as a young girl, clapping my hands to make sure the 40 year old movie heard me and I remember being joyful when she woke up and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

I still believe in Tinkerbell and clap at the end of the movie, what I did lose is the belief in myself. Having a horrid childhood can do that to a person. And I have been taking it out and not believing in the people around me. Especially my husband. I don't know if he has the energy to clap anymore.

When I was younger my mother (Captain Hook in Peter Pan); threw cannon ball after cannon ball of negativity, self doubt and every bad curse word she could think of to knock me down and my step-dad was there to help dust me off but as I got older the cannon balls made holes in me. Far too tiny to see in a picture by an outsider. I could see it though. I thought that by growing up and getting away from her I was able to start believing in myself. I thought wrong.

I think when I had Bella, I thought it was part of my mother's curse. Yet another thing my mother got right about who I am as a person. And as I learned the sex of my second child I felt like again I had failed. However my husband didn't give up the belief I could change my attitude towards them as they didn't chose to become girls just to taunt me. I realize this now as I look back on the past 3 years and two kids later.

I need to start clapping for myself. Believing I can succeed in life, to teach my girls they can succeed in life with the grace and dignity that I should have been raised with but was unfortunate not to get. I need to show my husband that this will work for the family and not a fly by night one time deal.

I am still going to do the #MLBMobyWrap Giveaway because this week is the All Star Break and I am still all about giveaways!

So world watch out I am clapping my way to victory. I am still in the top of the seventh with one out and a runner on second.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Going back to work, Tomorrow

I never thought the day would come to being. Maybe in a few weeks it will be different. Maybe Grace (the youngest) will not like the arrangement and or grandma will think watching a baby is too rough on her and will have to throw in the towel. Only time will tell.

I have been getting use to the stay at home life. Sleeping in a bit, knowing that the only person to take care of is sleeping right next to you, ok maybe kicking you in the back to change her diaper; because the eldest is at daycare. Getting dressed at noon, so when the mailman comes you do not look like a wreck. Having the freedom to clean the house at what ever time is best for you, because the Netflix marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress" is great mind numbing fun.

However fun it seems to me about being the stay at home mom, the anxiety of the real world sets in fast. Bills, depression, and feeling like a failure on some level about being the mom I think my family needs.

I feel the middle ground is me working part time to be there for both kids during the week and to take some pressure off my husband with the bills. Finding my inner craft diva and tacking my husband's sewing machine to sell a few items on Etsy and this new website I found called Craftsy. And getting my Lactation Certificate to hopefully become an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) one day.

For now, I guess, I'll be back behind my desk tomorrow morning at 6 AM Pacific Daylight Time trying to stay awake thinking of Grace and how I am doing this wacky job for her and Bella and no one else.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Green Bear - A Car Story

The year 1962. The place Walnut Creek, California. The time, say mid morning. A newly rolled out VolksWagon in a car dealership sparkling in the sun. Elvis is playing on the AM radio some where. A man in a suit and tie walks towards a couple as they peer into the freshly washed window, of the newest 1963 model, seeing the new leather, room for their growing family and shopping. They buy the car and enjoy it.   Ten years down the road, same family, yet they are a little older, have two daughters who lay on the hood like car models they see in magazines. The family keeps the car very well maintained for an older model VW.
sorry its upside down

Eighteen years later, a family member is in need to take a baby to and from places, the car is given to a new owner with some sadness from the old owner. The memories flood back and as the car drives away, the woman wonders if she will ever see it again.

A little shy of the car's thirtieth year of life, tragedy hits. In the hills of Marin County coming back from a weekend trip to Napa, the original engine dies and the guy driving the car is forced to tow it to a shop to get it replaced. He still needs it to get around and to see the little girl that is growing up. She has named it "Green Bear" as it is green and for no other reason, the man lets her call it that. The car doesn't mind at all. Another tragedy comes when it's broken into several times because it is old and people think it can be just taken on a joy ride. The man tells the little girl that he might have to either sell it or junk it. She cries. He decides to take it off the streets, his sister gives him a new car, her old car, and he takes it to Napa for a few years.

In the mists of these years it sat waiting for the man to bring it back to life, which he did on the weekends when he was in Napa. Then one day, he turns the car towards the freeway and doesn't stop till he's in Oakland, where that once young girl is standing now a teenager, and has a license to drive! She is new to the road. Doesn't take it easy on the now thirty-five, or thirty-six years old car. She wants to explore the world. The man says "Do not take it on the freeway, as it's not safe for you or the car". The girl nods and plots to go to places that are only accessible by the freeway. And she does. The man says "do not drive on too many hills, as it's not safe for you or the car", the girl does anyway.

Being a first time driver she is very rough on the car. She has many accidents with it and for a time it does not run. Yet the car is ingrained in her soul. She has it for a few more months after she graduates from high school and then it's returned to Napa to wait patiently for the return of her. Years are not too good on the car.

On it's fortieth birthday it is in Napa baking in the sun, the rain rusting parts that were so lovely taken care of. The feeling that the scrap heap is its final destination. The man tells the young woman that she's better off with out it. She again cries. She vows not to let it go. He purses his lips, but let's this battle go.

In its late forties, the car has seen better days, it feels like its going to wither in the sun, until the girl comes and says, "I am taking you with me!" and proceeds to hook up the car to a hitch as the car's tires are not yet tested to drive long distances. Again it is sidelined for a newer car, however not in the elements as it once was. A few months later, it is again hitched to a trailer and taken to the streets of a small city, again exposed to the elements. Immobile by the years of neglect. The woman and her husband roll it to one side of the street to the other side every other week. The car gets a few tickets because of forgetfulness on their part. A year goes by and finally it gets taken to a repair shop and it gets a small dose of tender loving care. It perks up and starts to run again. A few weeks later it gets placed in a garage, away from the elements, away from the street weepers. It is now waiting for more tender loving care from the woman.

Now the car is in its fiftieth year. Most cars are gone from that era. It knows that. It is very lucky to be in a garage when most of its counter parts are now buried in rust. The woman has two small girls. It hopes to be running great by the time they are old enough to drive. When it becomes sixty years old.

Thank you for reading. The car has been passed down from my aunt to my dad to me. Some of the facts from the 1960's I am not too sure of, so don't treat them like they are real facts. I only know what people have told me.

Friday, August 13, 2010

#Foodie Friday ~ Big Mouth Burger

-Big Mouth Burger is not paying for this review-
Now that I got a little bit of discloser here is the review.

In the upper Mission district in San Francisco lets say 24th St and Valencia, a few years back, a small restaurant opened that I didn't think much of because of the name Big Mouth Burger. It was next to a falafel shop and I thought the two were connected so I really didn't pay much attention. It wasn't until I was really hungry and was sick and tired of the Chinese food and doughnuts (yes this does exist) on 24th St and Mission, that I decided to take a chance and eat there. 

The worst thing I could get was a bad tummy-ache and not go there any more. What I entered was a relationship that lasted to this very day with my whole family.


The place is a small hole in the wall, yes, there aren't that many tables and there is a small window bar that uses the last space to the utmost without feeling to packed in. Most regulars know to get the food to go because the tables are a fair wait and the medium trays that they serve the food on takes up any elbow room on the tables. But well worth it on some occasions. Large groups can take up more than 2-3 tables, so take it from this regular, take it to go and sit out in the sun!


The Food:

Unlike its name the Big Mouth Burger isn't too big. They give you a knife if you want to cut in half and save it for later. The choices are very custom made and they have a wide selection. Though the chalk board with the selections looks small, you can customize the burger any way for at most $2 dollars more per item. The ice-cream is a local favorite - Mitchell's - which is a San Francisco original, like this shop. Besides the standard thick cut fries; the coleslaw, Baked Beans (no pork added for flavor) are made at the store and they have now added the Sweet Potato fries to the menu for $1 add to the meal!

They have other items on the menu like a Salmon Burger, Garden Burger, Turkey Burger, Cheese Steaks and Salads.

The restaurant has a kids menu that is also customizable for any picky eater and they do just sides of something, which came in handy when we were first introducing solids to Bella! Avocado $.95 and a good portion too!

The People:

The people that work there are very friendly and they know a regulars face. The owner especially goes out of his way to make you feel like you are at his house and not at a McDonalds. When I started going there regularly he made sure that a table was cleaned if one is available and if he wasn't busy clean it himself!

Alas, I moved away and only got to go to Big Mouth when I was in the City, until late last year when to my delight and the grumble in my tummy, a Big Mouth opened in the shopping complex near my work! Turns out the owner lives near and decided to open a Big Mouth right in his neighborhood!

Since then me, my husband and Bella have eaten there at least once or twice a week. Each time we find something new to eat and a sports game on the tv!



Here is the San Francisco Local. Two short blocks from the 24th St and Mission BART Station.

View Larger Map



Here is the one near my near my work.

View Larger Map

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

#Wordless Wednesday ~ a start

My cats Puma (grey) Bindi (black)




My Hubby



My Bella




These are the people in my world.

Next week the start of a series I call ode to Blueberries!