Windows in My life

Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Dear 16 year old Bella #HAWMC

I wrote to my sixteen year old self a month ago, however I wanted to write something for my eldest daughter Bella for this exercise.
Bella "Age 16" future

Dear Bella,

My have you grown. I am writing this in 2012 when you are just shy of your 3rd birthday, I know its too early in your life to comprehend a subject like depression and I hope you never will. When I was 16 my mental health wasn't the greatest. I had major issues with my brain that I couldn't figure out. I also wanted to talk about it with my mother, your grandmother about, but she would not listen. I hope our relationship is better and we can talk about everything you want me to know about.

When I was 15 years old, my biological father sent me a packet of information about a metal issue called Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I like the analogy of a roll-a-coaster. Some days you can be very, very happy, and the next very, very sad. Sometimes the days can last for weeks. I didn't know why this was important to me at this age and you are probably wondering why this is important to you. It is important because its something that can be controlled and with out medication, therapy and a lot of support, it can control your life without a care and feeling of failure that you are doing something wrong. And you are not. Its hard to grasp when you have hormonal changes going through your body, yet another thing to think about. At first I thought I was a hormonal mess and thought my brain was going to explode.

When the doctor talked to me about the treatment of this condition, I was very overwhelmed. I figured that I was living in a world where I created chaos, my mother (your grandmother) added to it and and I felt I never could get out of the pit of darkness.

He told me about medication, two pills, Lithium and Prozac that could make my mood a bit more stable, a clam I never knew. When I first took them I didn't realize the effect that it was happening to me. I didn't feel different. I still felt like screaming in my pillow at night and the lack of support from your grand mother was very apparent.

When I was in school one day, in Spanish class, (I was a few weeks into my new treatment and feeling a little better in my brain), another teen was chewing out the Spanish teacher for not really teaching us a proper Spanish instead of exploring our feelings. A few minutes into this he turns to me and says, 'This is the first time I have ever seen you smile'. I looked at him with astonishment. I was smiling? A few days later he told me that it was very weird to see me smile and at that point he was astonished that I was smiling with out cause.

As that day drew to a close I had a new found thing I thought I could never do. Smile just because.

While you are probably rolling your eyes and saying what does this have to do with me, I'll tell you that it may be genetic and a lot of work is being done, so there might be a pill to better suit your needs with out trial and error, horrid side effects and the feeling of failure that comes with the fact that you don't have to miss a dose of medication and not have to start a day, a week, a month later.

I love you,
Mommy (or Mother)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Traveling with family this weekend

Friday I go on a thousand mile adventure to the great Northwest and back. I am looking forward to the time away from my residence, however I am not looking forward to the mode of transportation that my husband suggested we take. In either the RAV4 or the Cube. Yup traveling by CAR. 

We get to have a two month old, a two and a half year old in back, while my husband and I rotate the driving towards our destination up north for 11 hrs. 6 hours to the hotel where we spend the night and another 4.5-5 hrs to the final destination. Portland OR.



I would prefer a 2 hr flight, rather than listening to my two month old cry for a half an hour on the freeway because we get stuck in traffic. The TSA agent pat down to my toddler ask "what that?" or "we going that way?" six times too many and can't take a pill to lessen the stress because it makes me drowsy and can't drive. The feeling that I am on vacation using some rental car rather than my own knowing the mileage will count against me when the car insurance renews.  Maybe I am hyping this up in my head. Then again maybe not. We will see come Friday.