Windows in My life

Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts

Monday, February 4, 2013

Isolation

I have felt very alone in this world lately. No one to talk to about the issues facing me. I have many friends, however I feel that if I talk about my problems and just repeat them over and over again they tune out and not really listen.


Now with the divorce, I face another problem. His friends Vs My friends. Some of his friends I have gotten very close to over the years and they are part of the family example godparents to my little ones. Then there are the friends that I want to talk to however I don't want to say something about the X just to have them call him 10 minutes after I leave. The chance that they might do what I just described, is a really big fear and is stopping me from talking to them.

I don't know maybe I am over exaggerating or paranoid about opening up to them. However I don't want them to feel like they need to take sides, however the silence of them not talking, has made me think they will and I shouldn't be waiting invitations to their homes anytime soon.

Like I have to watch what I say here because of the public nature of the blogging world, however I do not feel isolated when writing. Just in real life I would love a few friends that would come over and take me out and about when I feel blue. Oh well, I guess I will wait for that to happen a little later down the year.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Telling my daughters I love them

Going through the divorce is painful let alone feeling isolated from the people you really love. My daughters have to spend two to five days away from me. I see them through modern day technology on those days through FaceTime an Apple app that allows me to see their eyes and hear their voices as well for them to see me and to hear my voice. Sometimes they laugh and are joyful around the iPad and sometimes they are not. That is when it hurts.

My youngest sometimes starts to cry for me and that is when it hurts to be on FaceTime. I don't want to stop just because of it though. I feel bad and I want to drive the 40+ miles to her to comfort her and to tell her it will be okay and sooth her to sleep. The x would not like that at all.

I want them have a connection when I can not be there. I want to let them know I love them and care for them. I want them to know that they can call me if they want at any time. I guess the later will happen when they get older however I want to set an open door for them to walk in and out of when they want.

Am I foolish to want to keep the connection alive? Am I banging my head against the wall when they are this small? Any advice?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Feeling like I can't talk, but I want to

In this world of Social Media and all the data in the world, some times I feel that I have to censor myself to the world so that it would not reflect poorly on me and my family.

However I have been thinking.

I need to speak on my blog about the things that I have been going through because I think its best that my world becomes open and shed some light on my feelings and how it is impacting me.

The feelings of isolation is a big factor in my decision. I feel that once I open this blog to the world of my mind then I can feel more free about who I am becoming. I know this blog is low on the list of readership and I am not feeding my own social media boost. I am only trying to make my blog truly about me and my children and not something that I am going to look back and be ashamed of.

I will talk about my crafts, Etsy, and other things that come to my mind, however I am not going to try and censor what I feel on this blog. Even when it may hurt my chances of keeping my kids (my biggest fear), I will not talk about people negatively no matter how I feel about these people in my life. When I do talk it will be in my voice. When I talk it will be in the present and not in the past. Though I may need to give some background information however its not going to be too detailed.

I am going forward and so should this blog.