Windows in My life

Showing posts with label daughters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daughters. Show all posts

Friday, February 1, 2013

Telling my daughters I love them

Going through the divorce is painful let alone feeling isolated from the people you really love. My daughters have to spend two to five days away from me. I see them through modern day technology on those days through FaceTime an Apple app that allows me to see their eyes and hear their voices as well for them to see me and to hear my voice. Sometimes they laugh and are joyful around the iPad and sometimes they are not. That is when it hurts.

My youngest sometimes starts to cry for me and that is when it hurts to be on FaceTime. I don't want to stop just because of it though. I feel bad and I want to drive the 40+ miles to her to comfort her and to tell her it will be okay and sooth her to sleep. The x would not like that at all.

I want them have a connection when I can not be there. I want to let them know I love them and care for them. I want them to know that they can call me if they want at any time. I guess the later will happen when they get older however I want to set an open door for them to walk in and out of when they want.

Am I foolish to want to keep the connection alive? Am I banging my head against the wall when they are this small? Any advice?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me.