Windows in My life

Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Broken

Mentally, physically, and spiritually broken. I thought I was healing in leaps and bounds; however my actions and fears have kept me from realizing that I have only started to crawl out of the hole that is my past. I know I have made strives to get from the shadows of the past however I am trying to run very hard to just fall flat on my face over and over again. 

I must realize that it's not a sprint I am going through however a marathon. I have gotten over one or two hurdles, but there are things I have just now realized that I need to be comfortable with myself before I let another in. 

Even so it would be nice to have some one in my life that I can go over to their place or mine and cook and have fun with. However in the mean time, I need to enjoy me, myself, and I. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Depression Tsunami #HAWMC

Copyright All rights reserved by Michio Endo 
I don't know how to find a picture of depression. I didn't want to go the stereo typical black and white picture with a person's face on it. I thought that I had plenty of them in my own library of me staring at the camera blankly, no feeling while taking the picture. This picture is on or after the Japanese Tsunami that hit the country on March 11, 2011.

The picture of the tattered Violin (or Viola) represents the physical form of how one feels when they are in the mist of an episode. The tsunami of emotions shatters the mind into little fragments, making it hard to become whole again. The once beautiful gloss of the wood, the sound of pure joy it once held, now gone to another world. The feeling of isolation of the Violin is the same feeling one has towards people whom say that they are your friends and when you need them because of the depression, they aren't there. Gone to a different place, a different world even a different time. The longing of wanting to be back to the original before the perfect storm threw you into that storm is there. The feeling like you should know how to deal with it again and again as wave after wave keeps hitting you. Self doubt creeps in. Depression takes hold and a few hours, days, even months take hold and then you realize you are a tattered form of yourself washed up miles away from who you once were.