Today is random day. A knot of emotions welling up making me feel like I am not a good mom. My back showing the signs of old age because I put tension, frustration, failures. The lack of sleep makes my world a bit darker like the night's sky. Though because of all the buildings, they have bits of bright spots, so I'd go with the country side night sky. The pain in my heart makes me feel like I can't love something new however I let people in. The weight of my tears makes my face heavy when I cry. I almost feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. Just get in a jet plane and leave things behind. I felt like that when I had my first daughter. And like my first daughter I didn't have any money to accomplish this, that is why I sat and looked at the airplanes flying over my head and wanted to be on them. I guess not every airplane, but the ones going to Japan or Australia. Just for the day or the week just to say I did it.
I do it one year. Just to say I did it. I'll put it in my Bucket list. The fancy way of saying need to do before I'm XX years old.
I never thought the day would come to being. Maybe in a few weeks it will be different. Maybe Grace (the youngest) will not like the arrangement and or grandma will think watching a baby is too rough on her and will have to throw in the towel. Only time will tell.
I have been getting use to the stay at home life. Sleeping in a bit, knowing that the only person to take care of is sleeping right next to you, ok maybe kicking you in the back to change her diaper; because the eldest is at daycare. Getting dressed at noon, so when the mailman comes you do not look like a wreck. Having the freedom to clean the house at what ever time is best for you, because the Netflix marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress" is great mind numbing fun.
However fun it seems to me about being the stay at home mom, the anxiety of the real world sets in fast. Bills, depression, and feeling like a failure on some level about being the mom I think my family needs.
I feel the middle ground is me working part time to be there for both kids during the week and to take some pressure off my husband with the bills. Finding my inner craft diva and tacking my husband's sewing machine to sell a few items on Etsy and this new website I found called Craftsy. And getting my Lactation Certificate to hopefully become an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) one day.
For now, I guess, I'll be back behind my desk tomorrow morning at 6 AM Pacific Daylight Time trying to stay awake thinking of Grace and how I am doing this wacky job for her and Bella and no one else.
Well, I got to say I think it is day 6 of the sleep in her own crib day and its working like a charm. Just until I go in bed and she cries for me and like any mom I pick her up and go back into bed with her by my side. This time it was around 11 pm (I think) because we were out a little late celebrating the New Year with MIL.
I had actually put her in her pj's before hand so that if needed we could put her directly into bed with only a diaper change. We got home after dinner and I fed her one last time and Hubby changed her and 2 minutes of cranky protest and nothing. I think this was around 8:30pm.
I think I need to sleep out in the living room to get a great night sleep. Maybe I'll try that tonight since it is Saturday and all.
Last night #2 after DD ate her rice ceral, brushed her teething buds (3 of them) and some more Milk, I found her closing her eyes at the boob and decided it was time to put her down 7pm PST or 10 pm EST. After CIO for a half an hr in which we stayed by the door just in case. She went to sleep. Fast forward 2 hrs I am ready to go to bed, I look upon my sleeping child and she is sleeping on her belly, so I move her face up and then she starts to cry again. I wait for a few minutes but decide to place her on the boob and in our bed because she was a good girl and I need the sleep! Fast forward to 4:15 am this morning and I wake up to pump before working. I place her in the crib and do what I need to do before work. She's crying by 5:30 AM. I need to go to work and hubby is care giver if she wakes up by this time. He let's her CIO for a few mintues and I go to work. I am told she slept for another 45 minutes and started the day happy. Which is all that counts to me.
Tonight is going to be the same. Hopefully I can keep her in her bed the whole night, baby steps. Though I am thinking about pumping one more time so I can keep up my supply. Her going to bed early is good but supply will tank.