Windows in My life

Showing posts with label Bad dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad dream. Show all posts

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to say I'm sorry

Yesterday was the first day of couples therapy. I thought it would be a round like any other around our house. I went in with an open mind and thoughts that this might be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. However I heard something for the first time in years from him. "I am hurt. She doesn't support me when I am down." Maybe I have but there has been a lot on my plate in resent months and I have been reflecting on me not us. I thought I was. I thought that by doing all of the things I was doing that it was helping us. In reality it was tearing us a part.

I wanted to say I am sorry at the appointment however when I did say it he wasn't hearing it. I understand, I know he needs time. Its hard for me to not want to wrap my arms around him, give him comfort when he's wounded. I probably would do the same. Its his choice when he wants to come back to being us. For now I need to wait and just be. That is very hard for me to do. Very hard.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Unemployment Sucks

As of yesterday I got denied again for unemployment. Yes, I have a roof over my head and two daughters to look after however it's going to be a thousand times rougher to go for an interview and then if I need to put Bella and Grace in Day Care I at least have 1 spot however if both need to go because of some twisted sense of reality (and you know that will happen with me) I am stuck again. Maybe not I get a job with a daycare built in.

I had another argument with husband. If he moves out (more likely now) I want to know the place that the kids will be staying and that over nights might be a month or two after that. He thinks I don't trust him with Bella or Grace. I do however think it will take a few times to know the place. I don't want to throw her in a place that it doesn't feel like home. I am still breastfeeding Grace so it would be tough for me to stop that on the weekend or weeks she's gone.

I married and had kids because I love him, I thought this wouldn't happen. I promised myself that if I opened my heart to a man it would be for life. I had my fair share of horrid people in my life. I want to be happy, joyful with him and the kids that we brought into this world. If I had any doubts I would not have gotten married, I would have just spent my life alone. Now I feel like this is a horrid dream I can't wake up from and I so want to wake up, be hugged and told everything will be ok and all right.