Windows in My life

Showing posts with label Awake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awake. Show all posts

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do I believe in myself?

At the end of Peter Pan, Peter asks everyone to clap if they believe in Tinkerbell as she lay clinging to life at the end of the movie. I remember as a young girl, clapping my hands to make sure the 40 year old movie heard me and I remember being joyful when she woke up and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

I still believe in Tinkerbell and clap at the end of the movie, what I did lose is the belief in myself. Having a horrid childhood can do that to a person. And I have been taking it out and not believing in the people around me. Especially my husband. I don't know if he has the energy to clap anymore.

When I was younger my mother (Captain Hook in Peter Pan); threw cannon ball after cannon ball of negativity, self doubt and every bad curse word she could think of to knock me down and my step-dad was there to help dust me off but as I got older the cannon balls made holes in me. Far too tiny to see in a picture by an outsider. I could see it though. I thought that by growing up and getting away from her I was able to start believing in myself. I thought wrong.

I think when I had Bella, I thought it was part of my mother's curse. Yet another thing my mother got right about who I am as a person. And as I learned the sex of my second child I felt like again I had failed. However my husband didn't give up the belief I could change my attitude towards them as they didn't chose to become girls just to taunt me. I realize this now as I look back on the past 3 years and two kids later.

I need to start clapping for myself. Believing I can succeed in life, to teach my girls they can succeed in life with the grace and dignity that I should have been raised with but was unfortunate not to get. I need to show my husband that this will work for the family and not a fly by night one time deal.

I am still going to do the #MLBMobyWrap Giveaway because this week is the All Star Break and I am still all about giveaways!

So world watch out I am clapping my way to victory. I am still in the top of the seventh with one out and a runner on second.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sleep Training update and Day 4

Update - We started a new, yet old bedtime song and dance. Since I do get home first we played and had some bare butt time (we have our house at 70 Degrees so there is no chill in the air for her). After that we transitioned to the bath and got dressed for bed. This was all before 6 pm PST! Then the rice cereal, it was much better as I am learning that play is the best part of food time for her. She actually ate some of the food, though there was 75% of the Ounce of rice and Breast Milk still left but its a very good start for a baby that hasn't had too much interest in eating solids. By then hubby came home and he played with her for a small (30 minutes) and at the first signs of eye rubs, we all went into the bedroom and read two books. It was 7:30 pm when she went down.

Hubby put Baby to sleep last night. He said it was heart breaking to see her try and sit up for him to pick her up when he said good night to her. It only took about 15 minutes for the crying to stop. We don't have a video monitor so I couldn't see what was going on in the bedroom. I came to sleep about 9 pm and felt my baby attached to the side of the bumpers (yes we have bumpers). So I pried her hands a way and tried to turn her towards the center again, but she woke up. I tried to ride it out, but because I just pumped, I think she smelled milk and wanted a snack. So I gave in again. And put her in the bed and we both feel asleep.

This morning I placed her back in the crib, so I can pump, and hopefully she stays sleeping for another hr.

Today is day 4 so hopefully it goes as smoothly as day 3 and keeps getting better.

Monday, December 28, 2009

sleep training update and day 3

Last night #2 after DD ate her rice ceral, brushed her teething buds (3 of them) and some more Milk, I found her closing her eyes at the boob and decided it was time to put her down 7pm PST or 10 pm EST. After CIO for a half an hr in which we stayed by the door just in case. She went to sleep. Fast forward 2 hrs I am ready to go to bed, I look upon my sleeping child and she is sleeping on her belly, so I move her face up and then she starts to cry again. I wait for a few minutes but decide to place her on the boob and in our bed because she was a good girl and I need the sleep! Fast forward to 4:15 am this morning and I wake up to pump before working. I place her in the crib and do what I need to do before work. She's crying by 5:30 AM. I need to go to work and hubby is care giver if she wakes up by this time. He let's her CIO for a few mintues and I go to work. I am told she slept for another 45 minutes and started the day happy. Which is all that counts to me.

Tonight is going to be the same. Hopefully I can keep her in her bed the whole night, baby steps. Though I am thinking about pumping one more time so I can keep up my supply. Her going to bed early is good but supply will tank.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Why am I awake

Honestly, baby is a sleep next to me, hubby is drunk on the Quil (Niqul) because he is sick and I am looking at other peoples blogs and super jealous of what they have in regards to a home and a baby that sleeps in a crib. I wish I could have at least the house part but would love to have one night where my baby isn't at my boob and I could get some sleep. Some nights I want to turn over so I have to wake the little one to move and she doesn't go down right away! *FAIL*