Windows in My life

Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts

Monday, February 4, 2013


I have felt very alone in this world lately. No one to talk to about the issues facing me. I have many friends, however I feel that if I talk about my problems and just repeat them over and over again they tune out and not really listen.

Now with the divorce, I face another problem. His friends Vs My friends. Some of his friends I have gotten very close to over the years and they are part of the family example godparents to my little ones. Then there are the friends that I want to talk to however I don't want to say something about the X just to have them call him 10 minutes after I leave. The chance that they might do what I just described, is a really big fear and is stopping me from talking to them.

I don't know maybe I am over exaggerating or paranoid about opening up to them. However I don't want them to feel like they need to take sides, however the silence of them not talking, has made me think they will and I shouldn't be waiting invitations to their homes anytime soon.

Like I have to watch what I say here because of the public nature of the blogging world, however I do not feel isolated when writing. Just in real life I would love a few friends that would come over and take me out and about when I feel blue. Oh well, I guess I will wait for that to happen a little later down the year.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

NO! #hawmc

NO. Such an easy word to say? My toddler says it all the time. Maybe I did too when I was a kid. As a teenager I didn't know boundaries, I knew right from wrong, what inappropriate things were on the list of NO-NO's for myself. However my thoughts were screwed up when it came to my friends.

See I had a car, they didn't. I had to go to places, they didn't. So to keep them being friends with me I drove them to their homes almost every day. Thankfully they lived in the same area, but most lived in the Hills, and driving a manual 1963 VW bug, yeah there were some stalls. I paid for gas myself, mostly out of a summer job and occasionally though my allowance during the school year. I don't remember it being $1.36 a gallon, at some independent stores had Fridays were it was .99 Cents. By the way this was in 1997.

The massive crowd of people would gather around my car on Wednesday's would appear right after the ending bell at 2:35 pm. We got out early, however the AC Transit buses, that took majority of the students home didn't show up on school grounds until 3 pm, if the buses were early it was 2:55 pm, so if you had a car you were obviously popular with the bus crowd. 

During that same year I was going to therapy more and more on a weekly basis because of the teenage hormones, troubles with my mother, my childhood, my diagnosis of Bi-polarity Mania, also every so often they drew blood to see how my body was tolerating the harsh drugs and to see if I need more of one verses the other.

I scheduled most of the therapy sessions on Wednesday's because I could get there by 3 pm and still be home in time to do my homework. That conflicted with the other priority, driving people home. Most sessions I made it there on time, ok maybe 1-2 minutes late but nothing big. Then there were days were I was late 10 minutes and that cut into my time. The therapist told me when that happened I would only get the remaining minutes of the session, nothing more. I thought that was unfair. I was the one paying for the gas to get there, the time I could have been doing some home work or just hanging out at the park.

I gave her my reasons and she thought my "friends" were only using me for my car and that I should start saying No to them on the Wednesday's I had therapy. She also suggested that I shouldn't give lifts to people who just show up at my car, set a time they need to come to me by lunch and ask if they could get a ride after school and also if the rode in the car to pitch in a little gas money.

I was scared that once I said anything to those people I would be less popular in no time and go back having no friends. I agonized over this for a few days.

So Monday afternoon came and so did the people who wanted to go home with out taking a bus to my car. I decided I would make up something that I had to go to so they wouldn't come along. But they got into my car anyway. I told them I wasn't going to my house and that they would need to leave my car. They still sat there waiting for me to start the car. 

I said that whom ever rides in this car from that day forward must pay me 1-2 dollars a day for the extra side trips. Still they sat in my car. I also said that from that day forward they must come to me before 4th period and ask if it was ok to catch a ride with me at least a day in advance.

Most grumbled about the money bit, poor little rich kids, but some reached into their pockets and gave me a few dollars for the gas. I was surprised at the revelation. I took them off the school grounds, because I had really nothing to do besides homework at home to do.

A few days went by and most, but not all still showed up at my car with cash for gas and then I drove them home. A Tuesday morning, my friend Ant, came by and asked if he could get a ride the next day. It was the day of my therapy. I asked where he needed to be dropped off and he said some place other than where I was headed. I told him that I couldn't take him because I needed to be some place at 3 and he nodded and went away.

I felt empowered over hearing myself say No. Rejecting some one and feeling proud and happy that I actually did it. I held my breath the next day to see if he would talk to me at lunch. He did for a minute or two and then he left. The next day was Friday and I went to him and asked him if he needed a ride down to at least where the buses ran more frequently to his home and he said sure.

Most of the other people went with other friends that had cars because they could show up and not be pressed for gas money or a days notice for a ride down to their homes. Yes, I my fear was made true, I did have less friends because I didn't give them free rides anymore, but I learned to say "No" and my friend Ant is still my friend to this very day.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I write about my health issue because... #HAWMC

No one else will.

I think every one has a different story with depression, but it needs to be told. It needs to be in the minds of the people that think its made up like a monster in some child's closet. To end the tears of sorrow as another "friend" leaves because they don't understand what is going on. The distance co-workers give you as you walk down the hall one day in a joyful mood and the next in a hazy fog-like daze feeling like no one cares. You think maybe they do, however hurtful their words were, ending their friendships as fast as they began. Losing jobs because you have so little self esteem that you don't care about anything. Even breathing. Looking at death as a great alternative to silence critics in your brain.
That is why I write. To get it out in the open so that no one feels alone. Even if I have only written now for four days, I feel like I have come out of the closet to the world about my shame. Something I tried to hide however because I am writing about this I am feeling like some one out there will see that they are not alone and do something to become the person that they want to be, not some one who has to pretend to be the person that they think people want. All along I keep thinking that the people getting help for depression, no matter how severe, are the "normal" and the "abnormal" and "crazy" people are the ones who are out there with out treatment.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Going back to work, Tomorrow

I never thought the day would come to being. Maybe in a few weeks it will be different. Maybe Grace (the youngest) will not like the arrangement and or grandma will think watching a baby is too rough on her and will have to throw in the towel. Only time will tell.

I have been getting use to the stay at home life. Sleeping in a bit, knowing that the only person to take care of is sleeping right next to you, ok maybe kicking you in the back to change her diaper; because the eldest is at daycare. Getting dressed at noon, so when the mailman comes you do not look like a wreck. Having the freedom to clean the house at what ever time is best for you, because the Netflix marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress" is great mind numbing fun.

However fun it seems to me about being the stay at home mom, the anxiety of the real world sets in fast. Bills, depression, and feeling like a failure on some level about being the mom I think my family needs.

I feel the middle ground is me working part time to be there for both kids during the week and to take some pressure off my husband with the bills. Finding my inner craft diva and tacking my husband's sewing machine to sell a few items on Etsy and this new website I found called Craftsy. And getting my Lactation Certificate to hopefully become an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) one day.

For now, I guess, I'll be back behind my desk tomorrow morning at 6 AM Pacific Daylight Time trying to stay awake thinking of Grace and how I am doing this wacky job for her and Bella and no one else.