Windows in My life

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thinking

Been doing a lot of thinking.

Been doing a lot of drinking and thinking.

Well haven't been doing the drinking, however been doing a lot of thinking.

A friend recently was dumped by a guy she thought she loved and it brought out a few emotions for me. The first was empathy for her loss. I mean I've been through a whopper of a trial recently. The second was to be cold, bitter, and basically a dumb robot.

Felt numb, felt nothing, felt like a disembodied person with no heart. That scared me.

Have I become a robot with no other feelings besides a few that I hold dear to my chest? I know that love is there to be compassionate, but it wasn't the case. Still hurting. A close friend said that I couldn't see what P.S. I Love You meant because "[I] have been a lil hurt from love..." Very true. I cried more at that statement and the one that followed than the movie that I watched twice and only cried once or twice at the wrong points in the movie, or what I thought was the wrong points of the movie.

The feeling that I was trying to pass on that robot feeling. Going through the motions of very day life with out that feeling of love towards some one and when you find that some one that truly deserves that love, you are at a loss for what you need to do or say. And maybe a few years go by and that chance has gone away.

I don't know maybe the right person has not yet graced my life or maybe that person has come and gone.

I don't really want to be a robot.

Does not compute.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Thankful for

This year unlike the last years I am actually thankful for a lot.

A friend has told me that I have truly become her life time friend, which I thought was impossible to do because of who I am in general. However I guess I have changed for the better.

Two wonderful littles which are coming into their own. I am one proud mom.

People I can open up to when it feels like I can't do anything but to curl up into a ball and cry. They give me motivation to do what I need to do to dwell and help me move on.

For my new glasses. I can see clearly now the fuzz has gone. I remember what my X-FIL stated about getting corrective surgery for his eyes and complained that the world was too bright, well my complaint is that the world is too sharp now. I maybe getting contacts tho I may just have them for work or going out once and a while.

What are you thankful for this week, month and or year?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Thank you for the memories

Being thankful is something I need to work on. I try and try to say I am thankful however I don't show it as often as I really would like.

I am thankful for a year of great people that like me even when I was really down and out.

I am thankful for only a few people that can talk me down from a wall.

I am thankful for my littles and their comfort and support when I am in need of a little pick me up.

I am thankful for finding what I truly want to do in life.

I am thankful for a lot of reasons. To each person thank you. Thank you for the memories and I am looking forward to making more in the next year and beyond.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Finished Reading

Finished reading all of the books from Chetan Bhagat, okay not all. there is a book of non-fiction that is out there that I may or may not pick up in a week or so. However the other six are good fast reads.

I found this author while watching Hindi movies. In the 3 Idiots description on Amazon, it stated based on a book from said author and since I liked the movie, I thought "hey why not pick up the book and see where that leads?"

Here I am with all 6 books and 2 and a half months later saying to go look at them.

I like them because 2 are true to his life and 4 are other peoples stories that are brought to him however he has the narrative in the main character's voice instead of a lot of brakes back into reality.

Which one is my favorite? I like 2 States, simple fact its a love story between two people that had the odds against them. I also liked the movie and the sound track. I guess the romantic part of me hasn't died off completely.

I say get the whole collection because once you start its very hard to put down.

Now does any one have any other recommendations about books? Authors?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Understanding Hindi

I know I am getting comfortable with the Hindi language, how you ask?

While watching movies, I am falling asleep. To an outsider falling asleep would mean being bored, tired and just rude. However in my brain, its being comfortable with the language.

I do this to the other languages I know, especially Japanese.

I still can't speak Hindi, I am probably at a one year old level (if that), however the next six weeks I'll have time to actually study since school isn't too demanding. And I have to be a tutor for two hours after, which means I'll have down time even more just at school.

My goal is by the new year to at least be at a kindergartner level. Maybe I'll get the Rosetta Stone programs for Japanese and Hindi. However I may have to find some computer engineers to speak Hindi with because there isn't a big Indian community that I know of where I live. I may have to go across the bay for that as well.

Got to get up and start the day.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Tired

I was going to do a vent post about how my life is turning out to be one big mess right now.

However I'm not, can I just say I am tired?

I am super tired about everything. I am tired of what the X has done the last two years and its been hell to get out from under what he has done.

I am tired of what I am putting myself through to make it 100 times tougher and making life a brick wall when it should be an elevator to success.

I am tired of people who say that they'd be there, however not give me a second look when its not convenient to do so for them. I guess I need to start making new friends...

I am tired of not being happy with myself. I am trying each and every day to make myself happy... maybe I should make bread soon. That makes me happy.

I am going to talk with the breads teacher at school and see if I can make some of the breads that I see in the Bread Book for winter presentations at school. I think that will make me happy... I think.

Waking up

Been waking up early. Way before my alarm goes off. I think I have too much on my mind.

From travel, to school, to the littles.

I'll be fine. The world doesn't end or begin with me.

Monday, November 3, 2014

The Bombay dilemma

While watching a Bollywood movie "Wake Up Sid" there was an interesting disclaimer about how there were references to Bombay instead of Mumbai. So I switched tabs and read up a little on history.

In 1990's, while I was half paying attention to the news in the world, a group of people changed the names of several cities in India to be more in line with taking off the shackles of colonialism and other factors going on in their slice of the world at the time.

It makes sense now from what I've been reading, watching, and even the airport code BOM makes sense. I don't know why they'd go through all that trouble to get rid of everything except for a few things. I know its hard to shake off Bollywood as a title, I don't think Mumbaiwood or Mumwood has the same effect on hopefuls trying to make it big in the movies.

In my world Mumbai and Bombay have been two separate places sharing the same space on the map. They exist equally and yet are two separate cities. It will be interesting to see the two cities in person.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Invasion

I've been silent for a few days.
I don't want to be. My blog, my thoughts, and my life. Read the disclaimer...

The X uses this to keep tabs on me. I guess if he'd talk to me with out the little's and his mother at his heals, I would be more willing to talk. Not like he talked to me while we were married.

I may have to go else where to vent. I may or may not use this for anything besides cooking and the sky is blue posts.

I would LOVE to write about my day with out fear of the court appointed judge saying stupid things to my X because he ran to them with stupid ideas in his head put by his mother.

If you are the X and his mother stick to the promise you made a year and a half ago and leave my blog and me alone.

You left me remember? You didn't want to be a 100% husband and a 100% father. You got what you wanted and I am moving on with my life and my children's life. You didn't want to discuss anything with me while we were married. After weeks and months of leaving things up to you, I took charge. You leave things in the air and when decisions need to be made I made them. I am sorry if you felt hurt and not a "man" in the relationship, however you left me and I had to make decisions.

You.
LEFT.
ME!

Get over it and get off my blog.