Windows in My life

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Thinking about what's next

Thinking about travel
Thinking about life
Thinking about what is going on with travel and life.

Planing my moves carefully
Planing is the key
Planing is 9/10th of the solution with me.

The unknowns of next year
Has my mind in a twist.
Planing and thinking are what my life is gotten to now.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Got my Tava pan

I now have the right pan for the job. Its a multitasker so I get to do bread and Dosa on it.


 Made cookies as well.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Feeling out of sorts

Always with the holidays comes a lot of memories. The good, bad, and just down right aweful. Hope this years is one that can erase a bad one from the past. And the next years can continue on to the next. 

Thursday, November 27, 2014


Been doing a lot of thinking.

Been doing a lot of drinking and thinking.

Well haven't been doing the drinking, however been doing a lot of thinking.

A friend recently was dumped by a guy she thought she loved and it brought out a few emotions for me. The first was empathy for her loss. I mean I've been through a whopper of a trial recently. The second was to be cold, bitter, and basically a dumb robot.

Felt numb, felt nothing, felt like a disembodied person with no heart. That scared me.

Have I become a robot with no other feelings besides a few that I hold dear to my chest? I know that love is there to be compassionate, but it wasn't the case. Still hurting. A close friend said that I couldn't see what P.S. I Love You meant because "[I] have been a lil hurt from love..." Very true. I cried more at that statement and the one that followed than the movie that I watched twice and only cried once or twice at the wrong points in the movie, or what I thought was the wrong points of the movie.

The feeling that I was trying to pass on that robot feeling. Going through the motions of very day life with out that feeling of love towards some one and when you find that some one that truly deserves that love, you are at a loss for what you need to do or say. And maybe a few years go by and that chance has gone away.

I don't know maybe the right person has not yet graced my life or maybe that person has come and gone.

I don't really want to be a robot.

Does not compute.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Thankful for

This year unlike the last years I am actually thankful for a lot.

A friend has told me that I have truly become her life time friend, which I thought was impossible to do because of who I am in general. However I guess I have changed for the better.

Two wonderful littles which are coming into their own. I am one proud mom.

People I can open up to when it feels like I can't do anything but to curl up into a ball and cry. They give me motivation to do what I need to do to dwell and help me move on.

For my new glasses. I can see clearly now the fuzz has gone. I remember what my X-FIL stated about getting corrective surgery for his eyes and complained that the world was too bright, well my complaint is that the world is too sharp now. I maybe getting contacts tho I may just have them for work or going out once and a while.

What are you thankful for this week, month and or year?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Thank you for the memories

Being thankful is something I need to work on. I try and try to say I am thankful however I don't show it as often as I really would like.

I am thankful for a year of great people that like me even when I was really down and out.

I am thankful for only a few people that can talk me down from a wall.

I am thankful for my littles and their comfort and support when I am in need of a little pick me up.

I am thankful for finding what I truly want to do in life.

I am thankful for a lot of reasons. To each person thank you. Thank you for the memories and I am looking forward to making more in the next year and beyond.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Finished Reading

Finished reading all of the books from Chetan Bhagat, okay not all. there is a book of non-fiction that is out there that I may or may not pick up in a week or so. However the other six are good fast reads.

I found this author while watching Hindi movies. In the 3 Idiots description on Amazon, it stated based on a book from said author and since I liked the movie, I thought "hey why not pick up the book and see where that leads?"

Here I am with all 6 books and 2 and a half months later saying to go look at them.

I like them because 2 are true to his life and 4 are other peoples stories that are brought to him however he has the narrative in the main character's voice instead of a lot of brakes back into reality.

Which one is my favorite? I like 2 States, simple fact its a love story between two people that had the odds against them. I also liked the movie and the sound track. I guess the romantic part of me hasn't died off completely.

I say get the whole collection because once you start its very hard to put down.

Now does any one have any other recommendations about books? Authors?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Understanding Hindi

I know I am getting comfortable with the Hindi language, how you ask?

While watching movies, I am falling asleep. To an outsider falling asleep would mean being bored, tired and just rude. However in my brain, its being comfortable with the language.

I do this to the other languages I know, especially Japanese.

I still can't speak Hindi, I am probably at a one year old level (if that), however the next six weeks I'll have time to actually study since school isn't too demanding. And I have to be a tutor for two hours after, which means I'll have down time even more just at school.

My goal is by the new year to at least be at a kindergartner level. Maybe I'll get the Rosetta Stone programs for Japanese and Hindi. However I may have to find some computer engineers to speak Hindi with because there isn't a big Indian community that I know of where I live. I may have to go across the bay for that as well.

Got to get up and start the day.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014


I was going to do a vent post about how my life is turning out to be one big mess right now.

However I'm not, can I just say I am tired?

I am super tired about everything. I am tired of what the X has done the last two years and its been hell to get out from under what he has done.

I am tired of what I am putting myself through to make it 100 times tougher and making life a brick wall when it should be an elevator to success.

I am tired of people who say that they'd be there, however not give me a second look when its not convenient to do so for them. I guess I need to start making new friends...

I am tired of not being happy with myself. I am trying each and every day to make myself happy... maybe I should make bread soon. That makes me happy.

I am going to talk with the breads teacher at school and see if I can make some of the breads that I see in the Bread Book for winter presentations at school. I think that will make me happy... I think.

Waking up

Been waking up early. Way before my alarm goes off. I think I have too much on my mind.

From travel, to school, to the littles.

I'll be fine. The world doesn't end or begin with me.

Monday, November 3, 2014

The Bombay dilemma

While watching a Bollywood movie "Wake Up Sid" there was an interesting disclaimer about how there were references to Bombay instead of Mumbai. So I switched tabs and read up a little on history.

In 1990's, while I was half paying attention to the news in the world, a group of people changed the names of several cities in India to be more in line with taking off the shackles of colonialism and other factors going on in their slice of the world at the time.

It makes sense now from what I've been reading, watching, and even the airport code BOM makes sense. I don't know why they'd go through all that trouble to get rid of everything except for a few things. I know its hard to shake off Bollywood as a title, I don't think Mumbaiwood or Mumwood has the same effect on hopefuls trying to make it big in the movies.

In my world Mumbai and Bombay have been two separate places sharing the same space on the map. They exist equally and yet are two separate cities. It will be interesting to see the two cities in person.

Sunday, November 2, 2014


I've been silent for a few days.
I don't want to be. My blog, my thoughts, and my life. Read the disclaimer...

The X uses this to keep tabs on me. I guess if he'd talk to me with out the little's and his mother at his heals, I would be more willing to talk. Not like he talked to me while we were married.

I may have to go else where to vent. I may or may not use this for anything besides cooking and the sky is blue posts.

I would LOVE to write about my day with out fear of the court appointed judge saying stupid things to my X because he ran to them with stupid ideas in his head put by his mother.

If you are the X and his mother stick to the promise you made a year and a half ago and leave my blog and me alone.

You left me remember? You didn't want to be a 100% husband and a 100% father. You got what you wanted and I am moving on with my life and my children's life. You didn't want to discuss anything with me while we were married. After weeks and months of leaving things up to you, I took charge. You leave things in the air and when decisions need to be made I made them. I am sorry if you felt hurt and not a "man" in the relationship, however you left me and I had to make decisions.


Get over it and get off my blog.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Step 1

Talked to the MD about my youngest yesterday.

She saw what I see and agreed that Grace does need a specialist to look at her.

I am glad she agreed. At least I don't have the response "She's just 2" or "She's just having an issue with the divorce and just give her time".

I am going to take it one step at a time. Step 2 is the phone interview about the process. I guess its a formality rather than a requirement since the MD could see what I and the teachers see.

It's a relief however a long journey that my small family is ready and willing to do for her.

Step 1 down, a few dozen to go.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Stop eating that...

So for people in the know I have food allergies.

There is one that I know of and its Dairy. Not just lactose, I so wish I could just take a pill and be over it.  And I am going to have to work with it for the rest of my life.

Now on to the hey that makes my skin itchy and why is my throat closing up when I eat this?

Nuts. I guess I am allergic to the world however talking Tree nuts and possibly legumes are now the enemies. *Insert dramatic music* Anyway, at school in Cakes class, my teacher makes a Boston Cream Pie with Cashew Pastry Cream. Any way I was prepared for the Dairy part however wasn't going to put myself into double jeopardy for a small taste of cake... Even if it looks SUPER yummy!!!

Seafood. I'll admit that when I was younger, I had issues peeling raw shrimp or mussels or clams. My hands would break out at the mere sight of under water creatures in Chinatown. But if you cooked them, put a little sauce on them I was all good. When I got a little older my hands stopped puffing up to 20 times it size and I thought I grew out of it. Also I love eating Octopus, Tako in japanese sushi lingo. Found out that my body is allergic to that (Umm NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) as well now. Again going to Culinary school has brought me to recognize that when I was handling clams, in the shell, my hands started to break out, again... then I would eat something or even smell it cooking and bam! My nose would start running. Again not realizing that what my body was trying to do was keep me alive.

Talking about that as well, I was told that weight gain was also a sign of the body trying to protect itself from the bad foods. WHEEEE... Figure that after culinary school I should just go on a baguette and water diet for the rest of my life. Unless I prep foods myself.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Picture of me any one??

Well I have the passport and now the passport card! Now just to figure out where my ticket is to ride is going to be punched. I got my birth certificate in the mail a few days later.

My face is a weird color on this card. Isn't it? I thought it would be in color. A friend told me that I can swipe this instead of my ID at the airport when going through TSA domestically. I think I need to go to the airport to test this out. Disney any one??

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Ladoo and Galum Jalub

Probably not the best Ladoo I've made so far however I still can't get the gee to besan ratio down. It's a trial and error and you need to make food more than once ever two to three weeks. Here is the third incarnation...

And on another note a friend of mine wanted to know how to make Galum Jalub and I told her it would be on the blog. I am sorry E.R. that it has taken me a few days!! Any way while looking at YouTube video's for Ladoo, I happened upon one for Galum Jalub, (One of my favorite Indian treats!) and the woman stated just to get a mix. A MIX! I was blown away! So I needed to go to the local Indian store and buy the mix? I was like COOL!!

So I went and bought the brand Gits Galum Jalub. It was super simple, directions are in both American and British English, German, French, and Spanish (Spain).

Above is the one for Dosai however as you can see that they have a lot more mixes that I would like to try... Any way the directions are very simple. Mix the flours with water, heat up gee/oil, cook GJ in said fat, then place in sugar water for a minute or two and you get below...

These were not my best and I still have some mix to use so I'll be doing this again. The only down side to the mix is that they don't have the honey mix along with the flour mix. I will say Google and YouTube is awesome for that however I have yet to sit down and look for it yet. I'll type it up once I do!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Japan? India? Korea?

Trying to decide on my first major trip outside the US borders.

1. Japan - Been there however not to Tokyō and northward. I wouldn't have anyone to visit it would just be me, myself, and I. Good thing I know Japanese, however it has gotten rusty over the years however I can re-learn it in a few days. Oh and if I am there less than 90 days, I don't need a visa...

2. India - In the top 10 places I want to go and see before I get to my grave. I have a friend there however he's not really talking too much to me right now so I am hesitant to get a visa to India and him not even being in the country when I'm there. Though I will probably get there some day on my own. I am slowly learning Hindi, but like any new language its only to the big cities for me while I'm there.

3. Korea - Well technically South Korea - Seoul to be exact. I was told it was an hour commuter's flight from Tokyō, so I could technically go to both countries while I'm over in Japan. Maybe I can go there for a visit, and I don't need a visa if I'm not staying there for less than 90 days! So I can do the commuter thing and have some fun in Seoul for a day.

So it may be Japan/Korea and then India. Who knows until I actually set foot in a plane headed to my destination I don't know either.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

IT's here!!

YEA!! It is here!! Woot!! Only problem is that it is one of three items coming. The next is the documentation stuff that I sent to the US government and then Passport card.

I thought it was weird that in the places where it used to say STAMPS it says VISA. And I think it is smaller than the older one I have/had. If I do find it I might show the difference in size in a later picture.

I just got a passport cover ordered. so that will be spiffy.

On a different note... the Kokum Coconut Sorbet got a positive response when taste tested so I am going to tweak the recipe a bit and use my babysitters' father as a guinea pig. I need to make a few adjustments however I think with what I learned at school I maybe able to put it into production and sell a little in my future shop on hot days. She also stated that the food I am giving her is being eaten by every one except her.

This next week is going to be "fun" going to do a mass time line for cupcakes and sugar cookies!!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Wholly Cheeseballs

Well I woke up to this at 5 in the morning!

They said the 21st, not the 17th. I almost want to take the day off to revive it. Almost. 

I feel this is too soon. Waiting for my passport has been a mixed blessing. It's been exciting to know that I can travel to more places than the 50 states of America. However it means I can't travel too far and for too long because of the littles.

I want to take them with me however I know that 30+ hrs on a plane they would be miserable with out getting up and going some where. Three first class tickets are not in my future. 

When its time for them to travel overseas, I would like Grace will be 10 or so. I don't want them too young however I know as they get older it will get harder for travel however they will remember and have fun. 

I know I don't want to take them to museums and stuffy spots, however if they suggest it then I would go.

Can't wait for the package to arrive today!!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Day 21-14=7

Oh me oh my!!! Yesterday I was in my school baking baguettes and checked my email and the US government issued an email saying that they have completed everything and are sending it by NEXT WEEK!! Woot!! As my friend Heather says I am doing a snoopy dance of joy!! I maybe able to see snow in Canada or even start a visa to Japan or even more west.

And here are the baguettes. Yummy!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 22

Been wondering since there is 22 days till the shiny passport comes and I can apply for the visas that will hopefully put me on a plane to the next leg of my journey west.

The thing about applying for the visas applications now a days is that they are 5+ pages long, need to see bank statements, have to attach a passport like photo to it (maybe even two) AND then you have to pay a fee to see if they would approve said application and then and only then you can buy a plane ticket for destination. When did world travel get so weird???

In 2000, I guess a different world by today's standards, I went to the Japanese consulate, filled out a page front and back (I think), no photo evidence besides my passport (if I am remembering it correctly), and whisked myself off to Japan like a month later and that was after I had all ready got my plane ticket booked and paid.

Now, like I said its 5+ pages, a passport picture (maybe two), the last 3 bank statements (if you reside in San Francisco County ((ONLY, and of course I will be applying in the city and county of San Francisco.)), and if you throw in your first born child (if approved mind you) they will throw in an extra few weeks for your traveling delight.

I have also thought about applying for an externship some where in the West. It would kill me because that is 6 weeks with out the littles. I'd be calling them every day however not to wake up to some one in the small of your back or getting my hair pulled in all general directions because the little little wants to play hair dresser. Okay maybe I won't miss that particular part however I would miss out on 6 weeks of Summer with the littles.

Though I do get two and the first one is just after my birthday and right before Bella's school starts up again. So if I was able to pull it off I could do one of two out in the world and come home for the remainder and still graduate on time. The other problem is my cats. 6 weeks away from them is no problem. However for them it will be 6 months to 6 years. I don't know who would take care of them for that long and I would have to pay some one to watch them.

Some times its easier for me to stick where I am at because of all the mess however part of me wants to travel and live some where and enjoy a new world for those 6 weeks.

I was thinking about applying to the Intercontinental Hotel and asking them if I can go abroad for a stay in a hotel, they own in a country I'd want to visit. Its one of those wish on a lucky star type deals and only if I had a connection or two in the HR department. That would be so cool if I could actually pull it off too...

Any way back here in reality, I am looking at 22 days till I get the passports and another few weeks before I even get clearance for a trip to the Western side of the world. I hope they don't change the guidelines of visas between now and November 10th.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Travel plans

Don't know about me and travel. I am itching to go some place. I know the places I want to go just need to get my butt there.

Long ago in 1984 I went to Europe with my mother. Don't remember a darn thing. 1990's rolls around and boom I'm back on an air plane stamping my passport in Central America and back in Europe. This time because of my age, I was able to remember most if not all of the events that happened. The one thing I didn't like was being under my parent's thumb. Mainly my step father however it was still some one saying where to go or what time to go to bed.

In 2000 my first trip by my lonesome. To Japan. I was by myself for the first time and loved it. The only thing I had to do was to get to the youth hostel in time so they wouldn't lock me out. The funny thing was I went to historical places and other museums by myself with out my dad telling me to do so.

I thought I would be back to the West side of the planet (well Japan and other Asian countries are to my west0. Then life took hold and I have my two littles. I thought my travel bug was done biting for a long time, well until they were old enough to travel with me. I guess my bug couldn't wait that long.

I have 24 days till my passport is sent to me. I really haven't thought about my life as a traveler in a while. Its exciting and scary. In the next 23 days, I think I'll be sharing a lot more about my travel plans.

I am all ready planing trip number 1 in my head...

Sunday, October 12, 2014


Every one has songs that they hold close to their hearts. Here are a few of mine. May be eclectic however that's how I roll. This is in no particular order.

1992 - Seventh grade - First dance - It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - Boyz II Men
2009 - How I felt about my first born - 1,2,3,4 - Plain White T's
1988 - New Kids On The Block fan girl - Hangin' Tough - NKOTB
1986 - (and beyond) My birthdays - It's My Party - Leslie Gore
2014 - First 6 Months - Let it Go - Movie Frozen
2014 - Last 6 Months - I'm Moving On - Rascal Flats
1997 - How I felt about my life - All Mixed Up - 311

Love to listen to new stuff. Even if it means annoying every one around me with a different sound than what they are used to. I love to listen to what the world listens to and try to come up with an eclectic mix. Right now, I am listening to some Bollywood and Country music. 

I miss my old computer. It had some Indian music I got back in 2007 from a video game engineer that was very shocked that I liked the music he was listening to. I told him it had a good beat and I liked it. He gave me a CD of some songs and I put them in my library. Now its in a digital space because my computer decided to take a noise dive and I don't know where the original hard drive is now. 

I am always looking for some good music. Comment on your favorites.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Kokum Coconut Sorbet

I had a free chance to make it in class yesterday.

Still needs tweaking and only time will tell.

I am going to try again to make and measure out the ingredients though because in my haste to make it I forgot to write things down. I felt that with my other failures of this sorbet it would never take.

I guess it actually took this time.

K-C Sorbet being made at school
I also made a cherry-lemon sorbet too. however it was my safe grade and this was just a side project. This weekend I hope to measure and tweak it so I can take it back on Monday to show my teacher that it can be palatable.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Two States: The story of my Marriage - the Movie

Good Movie. I have yet to read the book (it was back ordered) however I am reading a lot of Chetan Bhagat's books lately.

After seeing 3 Idiots, another movie based on another book he wrote, I have been on a book journey to read that book, then I found out that it was one of many, so like the bookworm I am, I had to get the whole collection. And not just the kindle books or B&N reader versions. Actual paperback books.

I wonder after I get done reading, what other books should I read?

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sugar Cookies, Cupcakes, Oh My!

Even though I am now officially open as Bella Roux (On Thumbtack) I have been getting bolder about what events I can do for my littles.

For my oldest I am going to make 250-300 cupcakes for her school's festival (pictures coming soon!) and for my youngest I am going to make 200 cut outs of Halloween sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles (pictures also coming soon).

I kind of feel like doing this will open doors for me and hopefully I can make a living in the future doing this full time so I can have time with my littles with out working 60-100 hrs in a cubical.

Feeling like I can do this... maybe...

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

New Montra

Today is a day where I have to state to myself: "Get up, Get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!"

Do know why however its more of a internal conflict than on of dire need to talk out right now. I have these moments every so often however its days like these I have to actually pull myself out of bed and not feel like curling up into a ball and crying.

Okay here I go world. Today is going to be a good day. I have the littles and I am going to learn how to make Sorbet correctly (if I haven't yet talked about my Kokum trials and tribulations, I will soon). Got to get up.

Get up



Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Moving on?

Am I ready to move on?

To face reality of the next chapter of my life.

I have moved on from the X, however not completely. Heather, a personal and dear friend, has told me that if you can be in the same room with him and walk up to him to say "Hi", then have indifferent feelings about looking at him, then you are over him.

I still am at the stage of wanting to punch him in the face a few times still for what he did to the littles.

However, I am almost there.

It becomes difficult when my heart tugs on the strings for some one else. I feel trapped in my world. If I don't think about it, I think about it more and more. I hate that. I really do.

I need to stay rooted in the present or I live in the horrid past or am torched living in a future that does not exist yet and I ignore the people that need me now. My littles, my friends, and family.

And if having the person that I really like as a friend, well good friend, right now is what I need to accept because I really value his friendship and advice then I must come to terms with that as well in the present.

I still need to work on the X thing anyway.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Ladoo Almost Got It

I am happy about my ladoo! Still need to tweak out some small details however I got a great texture and taste.

Here it is:

There are a few mistakes and no nuts *Sigh, waiting for test results for my new allergies*. However I actually made a good 101st try. I am going to make it again however its one of those things worth sharing because I don't have a teacher (an Auntie, Indian mom, or even an old woman that has been doing this for years) to show me how. I have youtube and some culinary school training,

When I got it down I'll show it again. and hopefully I can show another application for Ladoo as well!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Bella Roux Bakery - On Thumbtack

So any one want to hire me for something?? If you are in the San Francisco bay area I can come to your house and help you with your greatest struggles. Either click on this link Pastry by Amanda or in the side bar below and hire me for a cool afternoon of teaching!

Friday, October 3, 2014


This year Fall came late to San Francisco. I don't mean the calendar Fall that came n time. The actual weather feeling.

I can feel the weather changes. It creeps me out most of the time because one day there is nothing and then the next I notice the switch from one season to the next. I thought since I have new allergies and my body is getting older I wouldn't feel it. However two days ago I did.

It's not a bad thing, just weird. Or at least I think it is.

Does anyone out there feel that slight shift or is just me?

Monday, September 29, 2014


Today I start my lessons in International Baking and Cake Assembly in school!

Looking forward to it. I am hoping that this class will hone the skills of my cake decorating and make me look like more of a professional than just a great home cook.

This is what I did in June for my oldest. She wanted a frozen cake so like a good mommy I made her a three tier cake with fondant and blueberry filling.

I am wanting to unlock my almost 3 year old brain because its her birthday next and I would like to prepare for it. It took 2 months of planing for the oldest's cake.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

been two years

The hurt is still there.

Two years ago in October, the X officially became the X. I guess after two years, you'd say, it is in the past, hurt? What hurt? However last year it was survival mode. Find a job, hold the job. Feed the littles, feed one self.

This year I can process a few things in my brain that were under lock and key. However it will be a huge undertaking of self allowance of the past. However it will hurt and sting, I really do need to process it. Can't stand on my own two feet with out this processes. More later.

Saturday, September 27, 2014


Ever since my 35th birthday my body has become my worst enemy.

It just was dairy. 

Now its Shellfish, dairy and nuts.

Hahaha nuts. Dirty minds. 

I hate having to watch what I eat. 

Ocular migraines have started. While I was driving. Oh the joy of eating food and playing russian roulette with people's lives. Especially mine. I hate allergies.

I feel yucky and I end up itching all over my body. Breaking out in red rashes. The sore throat that follows every attack. Even when I drink water, it still feels like it will never go back to normal.

Though it does. I still can't leave the house without benadryl. I am thinking about getting an epi-pen. Never really thought that my life may go that direction, however today with the ocular attack, I may have to.

Did I tell you all I hate allergies?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Bread finals

My 6 weeks is almost up in bread class. Obsessively I've been thinking about everything I've done and everything that I would have learned if the class size was cut in half. Panic attacks and worrying that I wouldn't pass because my big claims didn't match to the expectations of my teachers standards. I'll be happy if I get a B in the class. B for Bread. Just survive till Thursday and then it will be Cakes class. I hopefully will get a better grade in this class. Then its off to Math!

Monday, September 22, 2014


Having one of those thinking days.

Evaluating my world, who I want to become, and who I want in my life.

Yea, just one of those days.

Nothing in particular is coming to mind when I actually sit and stare at a blank wall. I don't know if its just that time of the year when I expect something to happen and if and when it does is something I am having an issue with.

Or is it that my life is going smoother than it was last year or the year before and I really am decompressing all that yuck. Maybe I am waiting for a shoe to drop and gearing up for something that will never happen...


Sunday, September 21, 2014

Lost in the world

Need to have that feeling of being lost in the world again.

I feel that if I am grounded to one location that the walls are closing in on me. I've been very fortunate to be able to travel so much before the littles. I just would love to travel around with them. However I don't want to right at this minute. They are a little too young.

When I was 5, my mother took me to Europe (in the winter), and I don't remember everything that when on. She did however she passed away so I have only slivers of memories. that's why I don't want to subject my kids to that same experience until the little little is 10.

So where am I going to get lost to?

Where my heart is leading to is Japan, Canada, and India. I really want to go west. Yes I know the Irony is to go West to go to the East however I didn't make up the geographical terms. The easiest trip would be to Canada, to Vancouver, BC. Then to Japan, start north and end in the south east. Then off to India.

I still don't know i this is what the deal is with my life and the need for travel. I thought I'd seen the passport days gone since the birth of my littles. However I find peace and exhilaration when the jumbo jet is on the tarmac and the captain comes on the speaker doing the final prep for the flight attendants and then the unsteady beat of the wheels touching down in an unfamiliar place.

This time its not the need to explore as I truly wish it was, it is the need to escape for a few days, to clear my head and to enjoy life again the way I use to. Maybe I shouldn't be, however life pushes you and pulls you in different directions and hands you opportunities that one can not pass up.

So here I am lost in the world and do not know where to go.

Any other worldly adventure seekers out there?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I'm happy when it rains

Today has been one of those days where I wanted to go outside and sit in the rain while it was falling outside the classroom window. However I did not.

Strangely, rain is calming to me. Not the bit track of "mountain rain" that helps little babies fall asleep, even though it relaxes me too, but there is something about rain falling from the sky and soaking every inch of my body. 

Hearing it crash against glass windows, the sporadic to steady beat and then back again as the clouds move in the sky. The feel of cold water splashing against my skin is intoxicating. 

The way after a hot and humid day, the rain brings cool soft air and a relief of what is needed.

And yes I do stand out in the cold rain and do get soaked on occasion. I also like to drive my car somewhere and let the raindrops hit the roof of the car. If I did have a porch I would be sitting on a porch swing and breathing the fresh damp air that comes with the rain and just enjoying being in a moment of balance.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Bakery and a small Resturant plans

working name for bakery
While going to school I have a great wealth of insight of what I want to do to earn a living. Mostly I am drawn to the bakery scene, however I wanted to open up the space to have a small restaurant, maybe adding more chaos to the fire than I'd like however I may just have the bakery first then open the restaurant later.
working name for restaurant

I don't know what to call them however a friend of mine gave me the idea of Amanda Roux (play off of a nickname I have at school). I kind of like that however my eldest is (as you all know) Bella and I could play off her name and name my small restaurant Bella Roux. I then would have to name something after Grace my second daughter.

Any way, I thought of a concept for a bakery that opened up, not at the traditional hours that a bakery is usually opened early and closes early, but a bakery that opens up technically just after start of business day and closes just after dinner. It may or may not work because the bulk of the customers would be at noon and after 3 due to the dinner crowd. I say dinner crowd because that would be my target for the fresh baked bread and other sweets for their dinners. Hence the name Midnight Bakery.

My restaurant would be only opened 2-3 days a week and it would make small plates of variety of seasonal foods from around the world. Almost tapas style plates. Also would feature my breads and sweets from the bakery. Good tie in, right?

I am trying to make a design where I can buy a large space and divide it into two places in the front of house however keep the kitchen as one space however have more of a kitchen on one side and have the a baking kitchen on the other side.
rough draft of space
 Only time will tell when I will have this and where. I may just open it up in Oregon since space is a bit cheaper than California. However it depends on where everything is with the littles and my life after culinary school.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Good Morning San Francisco!!!

Watching "Good Morning Vietnam" and watching a master comedian at work. I always think of Robin Williams as an average guy that had a great responsibility to be on all the time.

For most people they saw the guy on the silver screen. I saw a guy just trying to get not noticed. I think by working at the PlayStation Store, I had a rare opportunity to see celebrities with out a large crowd to play off of and to be themselves. However with him I knew he needed a crowd to survive. He loved to make the little kids laugh and he lite up. He came in with such apprehension that some one would say something like "HEY IT'S MR. WILLIAMS" and he would be swarmed with fans. When that didn't happen he relaxed a bit and just let things come and go however had to look over his shoulder for some one who would say something and he would be on.

I guess it got to him that his star was falling and unlike Joan Rivers (RIP) he didn't see that silver lining to simi retirement.

Well a few weeks late however he's always going to be fresh in my mind. Hell some of my best lines came from him and yet I didn't get the laughs he got.

Things I will remember about him:

The pirate flag that flew over his residence
The way he made a little girl laugh because she thought he was Tim 'The Tool Man' Allen
The first time I liked a comedy that wasn't a cartoon. Mork and Mindy.
How he looked like the maestro from Mad Maestro (a PS2 game). I just wanted to show the similarity to him, however he did end up saying "throw it in", and I doubt he or his son ever played it.

Good bye, enjoy and I hope to see you along with all the greats, when its my turn.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Job decisions

Today we had a job fair at school today. I was quickly reminded why I can't have a typical bakery scheduled job. Work from 5 or 6 in the morning to 2 pm or so. My littles are important take that type of job off the table right now. Or even the reverse schedule where I go to work mid day and stay at work for 8-10 hours in the night.

I think 7-3 would work however it would have to be some where close. I am resolving now to get a nanny for the time I am at school for Bella, because a regular baby sitter is now hard to come by at this moment in time.

How ever I don't know if I should work during the holiday season. It would give me some time to work into the early morning or late at night.

oh what to do??

Saturday, September 13, 2014


Mentally, physically, and spiritually broken. I thought I was healing in leaps and bounds; however my actions and fears have kept me from realizing that I have only started to crawl out of the hole that is my past. I know I have made strives to get from the shadows of the past however I am trying to run very hard to just fall flat on my face over and over again. 

I must realize that it's not a sprint I am going through however a marathon. I have gotten over one or two hurdles, but there are things I have just now realized that I need to be comfortable with myself before I let another in. 

Even so it would be nice to have some one in my life that I can go over to their place or mine and cook and have fun with. However in the mean time, I need to enjoy me, myself, and I. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

What to do this weekend

As some who read this blog know, I have gotten a bug to travel more, just not in the USA. However I can't do it now because of having no passport.

So, knowing that, my travels are really limited right now and I've got a lot of time.

Top 3 things to do this weekend:

1. Swim - got a JCC membership for me and the littles, so I'm going to be swimming every day that I don't have the littles.

2. Clean - I know I don't clean very well however I got to make some effort, right?

3. Play with SugarVeil - my friend Heather, who's staying with me for a little while, turned me on to this product. I am trying to see if I can do some Henna tattoo work on a cake idea I am working on.

Other than that relaxing at home and just trying to get everything in order for the next week or so.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

My littles

Don't really talk about them too much on here. They are the lights of my life and wonder why I was blessed with them.

The oldest one actually has her own blog. I haven't updated it in a few years. I think because of a few thousand things that are happening in my life, that updating it seems to validate reality. She is almost old enough to write on it so maybe in a year she'll be the 6 year old with a voice and a place to vent it.

The youngest I thought I would start it any day now. I have enough time to recap almost 3 years of missed time.

Hopefully with three blogs and school and a part time job, I'll be able to do them justice.

I have always tried to make sure that I am the best parent, even at the darkest times, I have tried to not push the facts. When they ask me a question about life or why the X isn't here I try to answer enough for the "Why" question not to be asked. Or I'll pull the mom maneuver of next subject please and move on with life.

I keep thinking that I'm doing a disservice to them, by being bi-polar and having "bad days"; however they are pretty bright and the youngest has even just snuggled with me when I needed it. I think if I ever leave them I would make the worst mistake of my life and theirs. I think being bi-polar, I can look for the signs and get them help when it first starts and not just pass it off as a phase. Its going to help with they are pre-teens. Even now I want to take them and put them in therapy just so that the oldest can work out the issues with mommy and daddy not being in the same house, as she sees her friends.

Though I think now that the oldest is in Elementary on up, the world of mix and match parents will be more normal than at a small daycare. I hope she'll be able to see that it was for the best, even though I didn't want to get divorced, however it seems like the best decision I didn't have to make.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Life is but a dream

Sometimes I wonder if I am in a nightmare instead of a dream.

Panic attacks, feelings of isolation in a whole world of people, the feeling of disappointment at every failed friendship or relationship.

The people that I thought are my friends haven't called to find out if I am ok since taking a break from Facebook and only going on it once or twice a day to play a game. They seem to not care. Just the pure fact that out of the over 100 people that call themselves my friends, two to three really check up on me.

Life is a dream for most. However people like me its becoming a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I fear that the littles will take what I show them and live the nightmare over and over and over again.

I have friends that say call me anytime and then we can talk. I don't know if I do talk; they'll get frightened and think I am too crazy, well if they are reading this now I guess the cat's out of the bag, and run away and never come back.

At least my cats try and comfort me. I say try because there is only so much a cat can do before it needs to get up and walk away. I guess since they are house cats, they can't walk away too far away.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Panic Attacks and passports

Resently, well more frequently now, I've been getting panic attacks. Don't know why I just am. Now they happen when I wake up and when I am going to bed. Also my heart has been thumping weird during them. Again I don't know the reason, it just is doing weird beats. The other night I thought I was going to have to go to the ER just to be told my heart is "acting normal" and I "should take it easy". Maybe I should take the pills the MD gave me for anxity and call it a day. Maybe I should talk to a cardiologist about it. What do you all think??

In other news, I am reapplying for a passport. I have always thought of traveling the world again. I thought it would be a few years more that I would travel to another country, however just to go north or south of these borders the great US government has stated a passport is needed. Gurrr... So I took the first steps in applying for one again. Everything is in order. Just going to need a few things before my Sept 27th appointment to get the paper work turned in. Then the wait happens. Hurry up turn things in and then 6-8 weeks a blue book comes in the mail and I can, in the words of a song "I can travel the world"... Again. 

Where to go? I was thinking Japan, Canada, Ireland, or an around the world tour of just because. However the littles are on my brain so it might be just a few small trips for now. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

Chicken Thighs and Garam Marsala

in process
I made roasted chicken thighs with garam marsala this afternoon.

However since I am the only one that tasted it I can't have an honest opinion to tell you if its actually good or not. However it does smell good. I wish this was a scratch and sniff blog because you would love it.

I toasted the garam marasla before I put it on the chicken. I am actually working on another recipe with the garam marasla however thought I would try some other applications for it. I had some chicken and wanted to use it before it went south.

I guess I should show you a white plate and something off to the side. However I am a bit more rustic than a fine dining experience. 

Here it is the final product

I even used a white plate like I said I wasn't! I'm going to dig in...

open door policy

I feel like this sums up my friend and relationship existence. If people want to come into my life they can if they want to leave they can. Do to me being me though, I have to say the door is always open to anyone, except the people who are total douchebags ie the X or anyone that has screwed me over. They know who they are.

I just don't like people hanging out in the middle and leaving me wondering who or what they want from me. Some I know, they have some issues, well subscriptions, that they need to be somewhere in the middle to feel comfortable however it does get annoying and I really want to either push them in or out depending on the day, time or even second. 

I am working on not being in the middle of the doorway towards other people. I know it confuses them and having trust subscriptions (I rarely have issues any more), and how far I feel I can go without smothering them, really I do smother people if I get too caught up in their world. Less now however I can jump off the deep end.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Bread on my brain

There are two breads I want to make for my school project. I guess I'll tinker with the later once I get the first one done. Dough, especially bread or pie, has been my focus during the classes I have been taking at school. I have been looking forward to the bread class since I knew it existed. I also opened my mouth when I didn't know the teacher was behind me, oops.

Its been a rollercoaster of a class. First week I was stuck in a panic attack because the class was SUPER big. After being in classes of 6 people, 25 right off the bat made me panic. I guess since Foundations 2 had 30 people, it was a shock to people that knew me, I was having panic attacks. I didn't really care that I passed or got low marks because foundations 2 was all about sauces and side dishes, who would need the know how in a pastry setting, to cook risotto.

This class is the Breads class, taught by a teacher that has a humor side however knows when to get down to business. Which I really like in teachers and want to emulate in some respects if I become someone's mentor. She's awesome. However I just don't know how to deal with it in a large class. I had to segregate myself to a small table near a window just to be calm enough to get through the day. I don't know why, just happened that way. Got an awesome view of West San Francisco.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Lost and Found

I think this is fitting, at least for me. It is hard to say I need help or I really need someone to listen to me rather than the one that does all the listening. It is easy for me to shut down and distance myself from the masses to not hurt them or say something really mean to them and I can't take their friendship back. 

I have pulled away from a bunch of social networking sites because the people there weren't listening or if they were keeping silent because they didn't know what to say or do with me. All they had to do was send me a virtual hug or send me a text with "what's going on? are you doing anything? want to talk on the phone?" Or even Skype once and a while.

Baking has helped, being lost in the making of the dough, not thinking of the worries that are outside my class room door. Being in a world that doesn't involve the hub bub of the real world, I can just be me. Everyone sees a different side of me however I can't just "Be me " as a friend put it. I really do try, however like I said in a previous post, people want me to be a certain way and then I have to be that way. When I change to my true self, people get confused and then they are the one's that get another persona so I just bow to their will. What a life?

Friday, September 5, 2014

Dating? What do you mean??

I really don't like the dating scene. Never really did. 

Getting all pretty for a night of awkwardness is not my idea of fun. 

However it seems in a way I miss having someone to talk to, to get pretty for (even if it is for an hour or two), to laugh about a random thing that happened during the day and find out what happened in his life that day as well. To share common interests and to enjoy just being with that person.

It is hard when I spend most my time at home shut in a world of Dr. Who and Farmville 2. I don't know if I am ready for it though. To boldly go where a lot of people have gone before. I have a few profiles on sites, however none of the guys spark my interest. 

Maybe I am not ready for the dating world. Probably suits me better than that of a desperate woman in search of Mr. Wrong, than waiting for Mr. Right and missing that once in a lifetime chance for happiness.  Also I figure that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with another. And I haven't figured out that formula yet.

Adding a bit more color

Adding a bit more color to my wardrobe hasn't been easy.

Like all good things it takes time and a scene of fashion, which I really lack, Especially being "girly". So I have found a few outfits that have caught my eye. Yes they are of Indian decent however they are beautiful and I don't mind wearing them out. I actually did a few times. I just need some nice shoes to make them all go together.

I really like the outfits because I don't have to match anything. It's all ready done for me. The pants under the dress and the dupatta (the scarf).  No running around trying to find matching or coordinating things. Just one stop for the person on the go.

I found these lovely outfits on a website I was very hesitant to get the sizes that they stated I should wear because with out going to an actual store and trying some things on to find the fit I need, I ordered them a size bigger and one I should have ordered two sizes bigger (I need to get one in a bigger size however I am still waiting on one more).

Over all I am happy and they are very comfy to wear. I am going to stick with the ones I have for now because they fit and the weather is perfect for them and they are not cheep.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Family pictures.

I know it sounds weird, but for divorced families have no family photos of them with the kids they bore. It's always mom OR dad and the kids. None together. For Grace, the youngest, she has no photos past age 6 months to say this is mom and dad with me.

He made that choice for her. However I decided, when he came to pick up the littles to give Grace a present that will maybe see that we tried to get along. So here is one of the many pictures we took in front yesterday. This is Grace's family. Fractured, yet together for her sake in this one picture. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Wow Wednesday.

Two-thirds of the year is gone and another third is yet to come. Going to prep for a birthday and oddly enough looking forward to it. However it's going to be a little bitter sweet because it would be two and a half year reminder of the past. At least this year I'll be able to make the best birthday cake that she's ever seen.

I don't know where a 3 year old would like to play, however since she does have an older sister and friends with siblings I have to see where I can do it. Maybe I'll ask around, see what hip place a three year old and 5 year olds want to be seen at.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A top ten

A friend told me that I had a "type of guy" or what some call standards in mind and I am setting up road blocks to some one who doesn't fit the 'ideal' categories however if he likes me enough to stick around that is fine too.

In some ways he's right. I do, not only because it's me, it's also my littles I have to think about. What ever goes on in my life effects and affects them too.

So here it goes, a top 10 of things I am looking for in a very, very long term relationship.

10. No marriage talk or commitment for at least 3-6 years. Maybe once and a while joke about it with mutual friends however its not for me, at least for now.

9. Must be comfortable by himself 50% of the time. I've got littles and I would like one on one time with them. Maybe just maybe there will be a time where the two world meet... Maybe.

8. Must be comfortable with himself. I have my own baggage to be carting around don't need a man that has more than I do. I work in an industry that has 12-16 hr days on a regular day and maybe 20+ on Holidays. Hope he doesn't mind helping out when big orders come in.

7. Must know that I am a person of many interests and love traveling. Updated passport is a must (Side note: I have to get mine in order too).

6. I'm a baker and keep weird hours. I love to cook many yummy treats, maybe at midnight or 1 in the morning its not the best time to start cooking, however you'll never need to get Krispy Kream again... unless I am spent and the "HOT NOW" icon on the app on my phone lights up. (See #5)

5. Must love Nerds, Geeks, and Tech gadgets, That's me besides that I can change the oil in my car, talk about sports, and even pound a pint or two of Guinness. I am all of that plus a trained pastry and baker. I can talk shop with most people and am always knee deep in learning something new.

4. Must have some thoughts in his head. I don't mean a Rhode Scholar or some one from M.I.T. (though it would be nice hehehe), I would like some guy that knows pop culture and can extrapolate an idea about something and trust in me that if you ask a question and I answer it, please don't go to Google to see if I am correct. I will google it myself if I am unsure or say that I don't know and we will look it up together.

3. Must love animals. I have two cats currently and will not give them up even for the man in my life. Sorry, I have commitment issues.

2. Must understand that my moods, even when in a controllable state, can be very weird. I can be very introverted after a long day or very extroverted and want to go out to a bunch of bars and hang out till the sun comes up. Its just another day for me.

1. Must know that even though I am 50% physically with him, I am 100% committed and would never cheat or lie. I will need the same commitment from him.

Some times I wonder if this might scare guys off. Only time will tell if and when it does happen. Oh, right... that would require me to go out of my house some time to date a guy or two and require me to actually dress up a bit.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Every day chances

Today a friend of mine stated that he was always there for me and any time I need to talk he's there. Good thought in theory. Bad in practice. When I want to talk he's out with his friends or tired from the days event or will get back to me on something I have a question about and doesn't get back to me. Then when he wants to talk I'm tired or have to go some place. Time isn't on our side, so to speak.

This is as much interaction I get from him once or twice a week. So the question is: how many chances do I give one person before giving up and joining a nunnery?

I give leeway but for most of my friends its the same story. No one seems to really care that I am away either. it seems they go on with their lives. Oh well.

I have this blog, which no one seems to leave comments on, so I don't know if I'll get any feedback or suggestions on how to deal with the no friends no relationship thing.

If you do read this please let me know.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Created a Monster and a tale of two starters

I've created myself into a monster. I don't know how I do it however people change into something I don't know and then become the monster they want to know. I just shut down. 

Aug. 25
On a different note the starter I started on Aug. 25th with one container and a hope that I can get a starter started for bread, as an experiment just to trust myself. Then yesterday this happened:
Aug. 30

Then this morning I had to put the starter in two containers because I don't have any thing big enough to put it in just yet. However they have doubled in size and the smaller amount has risen to the other level in the same amount of time. I am going to take a picture of the twins later. I am also going to take one to school to see what my bread teacher thinks.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Playing with Besan Ladoo

Early stages of Ladoo. Bottom is Kokum syrup.
A friend told me about the desert so I wanted to try and make it.

So went to the local Indian market yesterday and today had the whole day to make it. Yea, two attempts and Besan all over the house with some take away points. Gee is something that can be sold in a jar. and I need to do more R and D for this desert. I may have to find an Indian restaurant to let me stage for a couple of days so I can learn and replicate it at home. Not just Ladoo, but a few different deserts as well.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Choices, Dough, and Kokum

There is an odd moment in one's life where its better alone. Right now seems the time for it. I've been alone since the X left and now its starting to settle.

However on the rare occasion you want to call someone up and have some fun either cooking, chatting or just being oneself and you can't because they don't exist.

I just have to chose to stay comfortable in my skin and wait out that. I don't really do much of anything besides go to school and home. My friends (I can count on one hand) have lives and I don't want to torcher them with yet another funny joke I heard at school about food.

It will happen one day, I know it will, I just have to make the right choices and be open to it when it comes.

"I've got thyme on my side, yes I doooo" food humor, gotta love it.

On another note, I have been battling with dough and Kokum. Dough is tough because its my strong suit. I thought Breads class an easy A because its just making dough rise and then baking to a nice crisp. Brain went on over load because the high moisture content of it. I guess the Joy of Cooking (great book and my holy word) doesn't believe in anything higher than that of a cup of water. My battle with it has turned my world in many different directions. Starting to, after the second week, making peace with said dough and starting to feel comfortable with it.

Kokum is another beast. when I tasted it plain, it is as bitter as bitters in the liquor cabinet. After about 7-8 cups of sugar and vanilla extract, I finally got the bitter out, however it won't freeze. Too funny! Oh I guess you have to be in my brain or a food junky like a cook or have a mind for weird foods.

Going to end here. Being tired and sick is weary on me.

Friday, July 11, 2014


Oh my. Last few days I was dying for sleep. Now my brain says nope not going to do it. Wouldn't be prudent. Sleep please?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

My Oldest is 5

5 years ago today, well at 3;52 am, I became a mommy to a beautiful baby girl named Arabella. 9lbs 13 oz, 21.5 inches long. 2.5 weeks over due, 36 hrs of induced labor and then an emergency C-Section.

I think motherhood starts the moment a woman sees the two lines on a pregnancy test. Confirms it with the doctors and it syncs into the brain.  Well enough about me. Onto the next year. I hope I make it.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Post weekend blues

I forgot how busy one can get with birthdays, social engagements, and just enjoying downtime with the littles.

What I didn't like is how awkward I felt with all the couples around and how the parents would say the required hello and then go away. Then when we went to Bella's friends house, my "friends" were stepping around certain things with me, I knew they would but it still felt forced and stiff, not like it was before the X and I split.

Some day I will have some one by my side, so I won't be that socially awkward around my couple friends. He will be handsome and knock everyone's socks off with how nice he treats me and the girls. How the married ladies would swoon to me and ask if he is really mine and I will with out hesitation say YES.

Just takes time and I need to keep on going with my fantasies.

Just hate the post weekend blues when I had such an awesome time with the littes.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Way too much this weekend

My social calendar goes from nothing to OH MY GOSH literally in less than a week. This is what happened.

Saturday afternoon is a friends' party and since it was mid day to night I thought it would be fun to have a small meet and greet (a majority my Oakland friends haven't met the littles) after swim class and then go home. Then Sunday a friend of the elder little is having a party.

Elder little's Best friend's mom calls says "How about we do something for {Little} because the bestie is having a meet and greet for Kindergarten on the day of the party." I say sure When? Friday night.

There is the OMG moment in my world. Go from complaining about nothing to do to having every day filled with one thing or another.

And this probably won't stop till September with the birthdays!!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Falling for another

After my separation (and now divorce), I've been thinking about how my heart would react to another man in my life. How my heart would feel being that I still have feelings for the X no matter what some one says, he is the father of my littes and some one I deeply cared about.

However, being what I went through for 2 years, seeing what he put the littles through and myself, it is hard to try to find some bone that had a ounce of love for him. Let alone the other 50% of the population that shares the same Y Chromosome.

Yet, after the two years, I think I found some one that anytime he looks at me I feel gushy inside. I feel like my X didn't exist when I look into his eyes. Time and reality slows down when I am with him. Staying up watching YouTube videos at midnight and arguing about cooking methods that are being used is actually fun. 

I think he feels the same way because of his actions speak louder than his words. He gets in the front seat of my car if another guy is around me. The other day I took him and a friend on a cider run and I had said tall people in the front, yet he jumped in the front seat and let the tall guy in back. He sticks close to me when we are alone and when other people are around. And he walked with me around a hotel during a school event because he wanted to be with me with no other person around, then the other night I put my arm through his and he held it tight against his body.

Its hard with him leaving to tell him that I really could see a future together if we had a bit more time. I know he needs to leave and I don't want to be any reason why he has regrets about leaving. I also know in 6 months time he may forget me.

Maybe in time I may forget him as well and this period in my life will be a happy blip on how I got to a better person because of him.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Flowers for Amanda

I feel like the main character in the book Flowers for Algernon.

Charlie, the main character, is stupid then becomes smarts and leaves the life he knew alone, then after a few weeks he runs out of what he needs and becomes stupid again and leaves that life behind because he forgets what it was like when he was smart.

Instead of smart, as the main character does, I have become medicated again. Which doesn't mean I forgot what my life was before medication, I become a different person. A stranger to myself, to others for a few moments in time. I am the same person, yet I am not. I am more introverted, more observant of the world, and more mellow.

I find that while I am medicated, people who liked the extroverted - non medicated me have trouble adjusting to it because they have an expectation of who I am. An expectation of a wilder side than I really have. However when the non medicated me comes out another darker side called Bi-polar depression comes out and makes my life a struggle. The non medicated me tries to hide it however does a poor job.

Please be patient while the medication takes time to sink in. I am still the same person, just truer to who I really am.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Play Ball!!!


The glass doors

Field seating!

Almost to my seat
close to home as I can get for now!


Just close to the players. Almost can touch them...

View of Panda

more players

still more players

Lou Seal

Can't go to a game with out a picture of the Bunker

My Traditional picture of the SF Giants Clock



Good game. A W tonight

Pitcher for the Twins
His autograph

Suzuki's autograph!