Windows in My life

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I cried

I cried at the movie Emma. I have watched the movie before and I don't remember crying at the end of the movie so much, how she found her "Mr. Knightly." I thought I found my Mr. Knightly too. He was a great guy. I valued his opinion more than life itself. I took his opinion in and made a decision based on his thoughts. He made me laugh and cried at the sappy parts when I couldn't cry in the movie theater, he made me feel like I could do anything because he had that much value in me.

He didn't see it that way. I guess he didn't want to see it that way. For months I have tried to think of reasons why he would leave the way he did. I think he was scared, but I can only assume. He got a lawyer and not so kindly handed me divorce papers. I guess my Mr. Knightly wasn't so knight in shining armor after all. It only pains me that it has to be at the expense of two children that had only the hopes of having a stable first family like their friends and now have to know two houses. Now have to know a life of reality.

My heart aches at the facts faced before me. That I am no longer a wife. That he has left and will never return as my husband, only the father of my children. No longer will I laugh at the jokes he tells the same. No longer will the value of what he says about my life matter to me as much as it did before.

He made it this way. He made a unilateral decision that effected everyone and tries to blame me in every way. No longer will I cry about this situation that he put me in. No longer will I put him first in my life. So many have asked why did I want him back. It was for the two little girls that have half his last name. They deserve to know a happy and loving home with the same parents living in the house.

However they should have both parents happy and in love with some one that truly cares for each other. Not in a loveless marriage filled with hate and spite. I loved the man I married. I do not love what he has done and nor will I love or look at him in the same way again.

I first have to find it in my heart to love myself more than I do right now and I see that. I have to love my two little girls. The guy that comes into my life will have to love me and the girls as well. He has to be strong and be able to tell me the truth about everything.