Windows in My life

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What to do now, not knowing.

So I have no job, my husband is in self exile from our family and come to find out that the house is now two months past due. Life is at its best when in the crapper right? Feel like my happy ending is still far away.

There are so many things on my mind that it hurts. I want to talk to a friend, to my husband, to the world. I guess I am doing that right now.

The unknown for me is scary. I had so many times when I was little when the unknown meant a lot of changes for me. I didn't know if my mother was going to be home from one night to the next when I was 8 years old. I didn't know what type of mood she was going to be in when I saw her. I didn't know if I would have a meal that day because all that was left in the refrigerator were left overs from a few weeks past. My unknowns brought turmoil and strife. Never knowing was my undoing.

For my kids, I wished it was different, and to some degree it has been different. I am home and stable for the first time in a long time (even when I didn't have a husband and 2 kids). I feel like I am gaining self esteem and understanding what is going on around me.

My husband is the wild card now. Not knowing when or if he'll be back in my life as a husband and a lover. Not knowing if the vows he made and I made to him on our wedding day will hold true even with the this test before us. I guess that is my lot in life right? Eternally not knowing, having my heart broken in between the good times.

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