Windows in My life

Monday, July 30, 2012

Same old shoot

So money is the root of most of the problems we are having besides the communication breakdown in our relationship. Him saying to me I can't afford the house with all the other things "{he}" needs to pay for excluding what I personally owe.

So it came to my surprise when I found out he is renting a house. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a backyard. I asked him about it and he said he couldn't afford anything closer. 30+ miles away from your kids, your wife and the rest of the people who care about him. So because of the Internet I looked up what the rental cost. The same as the freaking mortgage! Except it's a tad higher than that of the mortgage.

I am trying to survive by scratching every nickel and dime I can find together so my kids can eat and he's living alone with his mother helping at every turn. To me it doesn't seem like a temporary location.

I feel like throwing out everything that is his and just lighting it all on fire. But that would be wrong and I could probably get more money out of the items than setting them on fire.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

He's gone for the week

The new normal for a while I guess. Here on the weekend filling my kids with father time and then poof, gone for 5 days. I guess its better than the whole 7 however its still taxing on me.

I asked him today how he would feel if I did what he did and up and moved 30+ miles away and left him in the spot I am in now. He said he'd be pissed and hurt. Well that is the way I feel right now. I also said that I would like for him not to look like I was killing his cat when I say I love you to him. He said he still feels something for me and that is why he wants to still be in counseling. He said the place isn't forever (though its a 12 month lease) and when he's ready he'd talk with the landlord about breaking the lease. A few months at the least. 

Until then, we need to survive the best we can.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

Night Troubles - Bella

I first thought that Bella's night troubles were just a period of time trying to adjust out of the family bed. And for a while it was. Then when Grace came in the picture, I thought it was regression. And for a while it was. Then the last few months its been her feeling like daddy was going to leave so she stayed up. And for this past week since he's been gone, she's been going to sleep at 7:30 rather than 9 pm. Well, both have been going to sleep early. Except for tonight.

Her grandmother came today for a little while and ate dinner. After her being a part of the night time routine I have been doing with Bella for just this week, I based that she would get to sleep by 7:45 or 8 however she did not. She was telling her grandmother not to go, blocking the door with her body. This is exactly why the councilors, and I didn't want him to leave. Any one leaving the house makes Bella's anxiety goes to 11 and its not the best thing for her. She didn't go to sleep till 9:30 and Grace didn't get to sleep till 9. 

I am going to really hate this weekend. I am debating whether I should even let him see her long. I know its good for her to see him. However he's not going to be here at night. Maybe I should talk with him before he comes over so that he knows about this issue. I don't know.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

"Don't go daddy!"

The words echoed in the hall and my head as I am seated in the couples therapy room while my husband left for work as Bella tried to get him to stay. I couldn't help but break down because I know how it feels for some one to go that you really want to stay. I felt helpless, I did not want this to happen to her. She's the collateral damage. The one that suffers the most right now. Grace is too young to know much of anything that is going on right now. The cats know someone is missing, yet they seem to be calmer and not fighting one another any more.

Now, there are some hard choices I have to make in the next few days that I wish I didn't have to; however to protect my children I need to make.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What to do now, not knowing.

So I have no job, my husband is in self exile from our family and come to find out that the house is now two months past due. Life is at its best when in the crapper right? Feel like my happy ending is still far away.

There are so many things on my mind that it hurts. I want to talk to a friend, to my husband, to the world. I guess I am doing that right now.

The unknown for me is scary. I had so many times when I was little when the unknown meant a lot of changes for me. I didn't know if my mother was going to be home from one night to the next when I was 8 years old. I didn't know what type of mood she was going to be in when I saw her. I didn't know if I would have a meal that day because all that was left in the refrigerator were left overs from a few weeks past. My unknowns brought turmoil and strife. Never knowing was my undoing.

For my kids, I wished it was different, and to some degree it has been different. I am home and stable for the first time in a long time (even when I didn't have a husband and 2 kids). I feel like I am gaining self esteem and understanding what is going on around me.

My husband is the wild card now. Not knowing when or if he'll be back in my life as a husband and a lover. Not knowing if the vows he made and I made to him on our wedding day will hold true even with the this test before us. I guess that is my lot in life right? Eternally not knowing, having my heart broken in between the good times.

He left us

So for half a month he has had a place and tonight he made it his official residence for the first night.

His sister and mother helped him get the place. All to quietly helping him leave while saying they support us trying to get help to fix the issues that divide us.

No words can describe the betrayal I felt as he quietly walked out and locked the door while his eldest still wanting daddy until she fell quietly asleep.

How do you say to a three year old it is not your fault daddy left while promising mommy that he'll stay until she finds a job? That grandma and auntie helped him leave? And never had the guts to tell mommy themselves?

I need to hear why from them. No excuses, no lies.

So many things I need to do in the mean time. Get an alarm for the house since there is no one but the lone male cat to protect us. Get a new bed. One with a head board, or at least make one. Try to be strong for my girls. Show them that even when life hands you the worst lemonade you can still make good house cleaner.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Starting to set expectations

I think for the life of our relationship, my husband and I have been setting our own expectations of each other and not discussing what they are with each other.

Going to work and paying the bills were the standard expectations when we didn't have kids. We didn't discuss what was expected of us after kids. We did a bit however stopped talking about them and it brought heartache and term oil to this relationship.

I think partly it's the "man" vs "woman's" roles that we all take on. I feel that it is hard to shoulder all the house work on one person. However I always looked on it as a whole never thinking parts until recently. My husband had to shoulder a lot. I wasn't believing in myself a whole lot and decided it would be better if others did it for me. Like look after my kids or cleaned the home. I always felt in the way or too inexperienced.

That was the lack of self esteem butting in. I always complained that jobs were not hiring me because of lack of experience and I was shooting myself in the foot for just that with house work. I think, if I applied one fourth of the energy a bit earlier that I did in pitting myself to house work, I would be the master at it.

So my expectations of myself are:

1) Make the beds
2) Get breakfast ready
3) Get everyone dressed for the day
4) Make snacks for the day
5) Have fun with my girls in the back yard

Lunch time
1) Get lunch prepared and eaten
2) Wash morning and lunch dishes (Video time for girls)
3) Put in a load of laundry
4) Do a quick once over of the floors

1) Get the girls to nap (maybe just one, I would considered that a victory! Wouldn't you?)
2) Fold and put away laundry
3) Small house work (if time)
4) A trip to the park to get some energy out
5) Start ABC's and numbers with Bella

1) Get dinner ready for Bella and then for us
2) Wash the dishes from dinner prep
3) Get Bella into a great night time routine that incorporates play and reading time with daddy and the whole family
4) Reconnect over dinner with my husband
5) Wash dishes while husband helps to put them away.

I think that's a good start. I can always add to it, as I know a start is a start and not a final solution.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The cold and warm days

We all have them. Husband is still cool towards me, however there are times where I see him warming up towards me. Then as I think he's going to crack he mounts the ice wall and freezes me out again. *Sigh* what am I to do besides let him be him right?

I have been working with a long time friend of mine Pen, as she likes to be called, for a few weeks. We have talked for a few hours a day or by text. She's my life line without her I would have been a fish out of water. She's been brave to share her stories so I can learn from them in order for me to put forth a new Amanda. An enjoyable, love able self that I know that is in me.

Her own stories and journey through life, though different, has put an insight to my own past and change my own reality of how my mother was. To drop the baggage out of a window of a moving train. I never knew how freeing something was until I dropped a few pounds of emotional garbage that I thought I got rid of, but I did not.

I hope it's not too late for us so we can get back to being that happy couple again as my picture shows above. I feel there is a chance and I will be holding my arms out to give him the biggest hug I can.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Of course my me time

Lately I haven't had me time. How do you tell a 3 yr old and a 7 month old mommy needs space? As it is with the climate in the house the 3 yr old is cling to me and will not let me out of her sight (right now she's looking over my shoulder looking at the iPad, lucky for me (?) she can't read).

Since husband decided to spend some time alone with his thoughts, I have been trying to sort out my own thoughts between the girls naps, while I try to cook, wash dishes and try and become a better mommy. Parenting has been my goal for Bella and Grace.

Trying to figure out where my husband stands on us has been the other half of my thoughts. I truly love the guy. He's been my rock when I felt like I was drifting out to some island. My yin to my yang, the balance I need to get through the day. Now I can't touch him, say I love you to him with out feeling a sense of a deep pit of emptiness. I want the couples therapy to show him that the spark is there and not blown out. I want to better communicate with him. I want a better life for my kids. Better than solo daddy and solo mommy.

I pray when I get a moment to myself that he does find that feeling of trust and love again.

Then and only then will I take a few hours to myself.

How to say I'm sorry

Yesterday was the first day of couples therapy. I thought it would be a round like any other around our house. I went in with an open mind and thoughts that this might be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. However I heard something for the first time in years from him. "I am hurt. She doesn't support me when I am down." Maybe I have but there has been a lot on my plate in resent months and I have been reflecting on me not us. I thought I was. I thought that by doing all of the things I was doing that it was helping us. In reality it was tearing us a part.

I wanted to say I am sorry at the appointment however when I did say it he wasn't hearing it. I understand, I know he needs time. Its hard for me to not want to wrap my arms around him, give him comfort when he's wounded. I probably would do the same. Its his choice when he wants to come back to being us. For now I need to wait and just be. That is very hard for me to do. Very hard.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Today we start

Today we start couples therapy. I would like to think that this is some blimp in our other wise happy marriage I would be wrong. I really hope he can open up and tell me the reasons in therapy. He said he would tell me the reason why he needs his own space there at least.

I am needing so many positive thoughts it hurts. I have been working with everyone I could think of to get my emotions, thoughts and feelings under control about this situation and not have them spill to the kids.

The kids hurt right now especially Bella. A few nights ago she tried to put our hands together and he pulled away. I think she can feel that daddy is going away. I am trying to stay strong for her and for Grace. They are the real victims here.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Unemployment Sucks

As of yesterday I got denied again for unemployment. Yes, I have a roof over my head and two daughters to look after however it's going to be a thousand times rougher to go for an interview and then if I need to put Bella and Grace in Day Care I at least have 1 spot however if both need to go because of some twisted sense of reality (and you know that will happen with me) I am stuck again. Maybe not I get a job with a daycare built in.

I had another argument with husband. If he moves out (more likely now) I want to know the place that the kids will be staying and that over nights might be a month or two after that. He thinks I don't trust him with Bella or Grace. I do however think it will take a few times to know the place. I don't want to throw her in a place that it doesn't feel like home. I am still breastfeeding Grace so it would be tough for me to stop that on the weekend or weeks she's gone.

I married and had kids because I love him, I thought this wouldn't happen. I promised myself that if I opened my heart to a man it would be for life. I had my fair share of horrid people in my life. I want to be happy, joyful with him and the kids that we brought into this world. If I had any doubts I would not have gotten married, I would have just spent my life alone. Now I feel like this is a horrid dream I can't wake up from and I so want to wake up, be hugged and told everything will be ok and all right.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Fractured Fairy Tale

My life is one right now. I have known my husband for 8 years, 4 of them married and 2 kids ages 3 and 7 months.

Just recently I found out that in the 5 years he has slowly fallen out of love with me. Why? Only he knows at this point and not sharing. Now he wants to be separated, live in his own place "for a while" and work on us.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay here with me and the kids. I don't want weekends away from them. I don't want them to know a new place. I feel like I am very selfish right now. I feel very protective of my children right now.

Maybe in a few months with some talking to a councilor we'll be on the right track. Though right now in the moment, I feel hurt, betrayed, a lone. However I have to be strong, willing to hear him out and finding a way to put two kids in daycare AND pay for my home. Any suggestions?

Friday, July 13, 2012

#MLBMobyWrap ~ Giveaway

As promised, today Friday the 13th and its my Blog's birthday! Four years ago I got on to the internet and started to type away.

My life with wearing wraps started with my eldest daughter, as one usually does right? However the first couple of attempts were problematic. They didn't fit well or my eldest became too heavy, as baby's do.

Skipping the baby carrier, whether it be wrap or pack of some type, was something I thought I could do. So on my first visit with my eldest to AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants, was with me, my daughter and the stroller, as you can see she wanted out and I had to hold her the rest of the tour, probably cut short because of me and her.

The second time I visited, my husband came and I thought I would be smart. Bring the Baby Bjorn, I thought. As you can see my husband nor the Bjorn helped with my eldest's feelings of being miserable. I wished there was another option.

Two years and some months later my youngest was born and a few months after that Moby Wraps came out with their MLB line. I was over the moon excited to see the first few teams they had was the SF Giants! They had both the "Orange" (really Sienna) and Black, so I bought both! 
much better with the Moby!
So decided to give you my readers a chance to win one yourself! Here are the current teams, hopefully your home team or favorite team is represented. I know one team I would love to see (maybe have) is the Minnesota Twins (click here for my reason)!

Atlanta Braves (Navy)Arizona Diamondbacks (White)Boston Red Sox (Red)Chicago Cubs (Gray)Chicago White Sox (Gray)
Cincinnati Reds (Red)Detroit Tigers (Navy)LA Dodgers (Gray)LA Dodgers (White)New York Mets (Gray)
Oakland Athletics (Black)Oakland Athletics (Gray)Philadelphia Phillies (Gray)SF Giants (Black)SF Giants (Sienna)
St. Louis Cardinals (White)
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Book for the Toddler Parents

So a few months ago a twitter friend @abbienourmel (read her blog its interesting!) recommended a book called "I Brake for Meltdowns: How to Handle the Most Exasperating Behavior of Your 2- to 5-year-old"

I thought mehh I don't need a book to tell me that I am a bad parent and yet another thing to run my all ready complicated life even more to the ground. So I waited. As my life got more of a meltdown and my husband told me to "fix myself", I decided to check the book out.

And boy did this book change my life and book recommendations! I have been reading this book for a week now and I have been able to control my own melt downs when it comes to the tiny terror. I haven't put some of the valuable information in to practice because I have to wait till they appear, however the information about sleep time and how to discipline them with out being over bearing has been super effective. I have learned about potty training in a whole new light and feel like I can tackle the task with a much stronger grasp instead of yelling at her, I can make sure she's comfortable with her life and that milestone as I think she wasn't too happy with the fact that I have been hard nosed about getting her out of diapers... excuse me Pull-Ups, for the last 8 months. I don't look at it as shameful or a reflection of my parenting, but something she needs to be ready for and I think that will win the war and not have to fight the battle.

As the best advice I can give a new parent is to buy this book before the kid(s) reach the age of two because it will save your sanity trying to figure out how to make sure you don't become "that parent" at the playground. You know, the one that when a kid does one thing out of line, its like World War 3 and even the birds clear a path for the explosion.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do I believe in myself?

At the end of Peter Pan, Peter asks everyone to clap if they believe in Tinkerbell as she lay clinging to life at the end of the movie. I remember as a young girl, clapping my hands to make sure the 40 year old movie heard me and I remember being joyful when she woke up and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

I still believe in Tinkerbell and clap at the end of the movie, what I did lose is the belief in myself. Having a horrid childhood can do that to a person. And I have been taking it out and not believing in the people around me. Especially my husband. I don't know if he has the energy to clap anymore.

When I was younger my mother (Captain Hook in Peter Pan); threw cannon ball after cannon ball of negativity, self doubt and every bad curse word she could think of to knock me down and my step-dad was there to help dust me off but as I got older the cannon balls made holes in me. Far too tiny to see in a picture by an outsider. I could see it though. I thought that by growing up and getting away from her I was able to start believing in myself. I thought wrong.

I think when I had Bella, I thought it was part of my mother's curse. Yet another thing my mother got right about who I am as a person. And as I learned the sex of my second child I felt like again I had failed. However my husband didn't give up the belief I could change my attitude towards them as they didn't chose to become girls just to taunt me. I realize this now as I look back on the past 3 years and two kids later.

I need to start clapping for myself. Believing I can succeed in life, to teach my girls they can succeed in life with the grace and dignity that I should have been raised with but was unfortunate not to get. I need to show my husband that this will work for the family and not a fly by night one time deal.

I am still going to do the #MLBMobyWrap Giveaway because this week is the All Star Break and I am still all about giveaways!

So world watch out I am clapping my way to victory. I am still in the top of the seventh with one out and a runner on second.