Windows in My life

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I cried

I cried at the movie Emma. I have watched the movie before and I don't remember crying at the end of the movie so much, how she found her "Mr. Knightly." I thought I found my Mr. Knightly too. He was a great guy. I valued his opinion more than life itself. I took his opinion in and made a decision based on his thoughts. He made me laugh and cried at the sappy parts when I couldn't cry in the movie theater, he made me feel like I could do anything because he had that much value in me.

He didn't see it that way. I guess he didn't want to see it that way. For months I have tried to think of reasons why he would leave the way he did. I think he was scared, but I can only assume. He got a lawyer and not so kindly handed me divorce papers. I guess my Mr. Knightly wasn't so knight in shining armor after all. It only pains me that it has to be at the expense of two children that had only the hopes of having a stable first family like their friends and now have to know two houses. Now have to know a life of reality.

My heart aches at the facts faced before me. That I am no longer a wife. That he has left and will never return as my husband, only the father of my children. No longer will I laugh at the jokes he tells the same. No longer will the value of what he says about my life matter to me as much as it did before.

He made it this way. He made a unilateral decision that effected everyone and tries to blame me in every way. No longer will I cry about this situation that he put me in. No longer will I put him first in my life. So many have asked why did I want him back. It was for the two little girls that have half his last name. They deserve to know a happy and loving home with the same parents living in the house.

However they should have both parents happy and in love with some one that truly cares for each other. Not in a loveless marriage filled with hate and spite. I loved the man I married. I do not love what he has done and nor will I love or look at him in the same way again.

I first have to find it in my heart to love myself more than I do right now and I see that. I have to love my two little girls. The guy that comes into my life will have to love me and the girls as well. He has to be strong and be able to tell me the truth about everything.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Starting a list of things

So I have decided to make a few lists in life.

1. A bucket list
2. A list of things I want to do before I am 35 years old.

The bucket list and the other list will be posted however I don't know where to post it.

I think the list of things I want to do before I'm 35 will be a simple list of 35 things. Hopefully not too hard to accomplish in a year and a half or so. Definitely some will be kid friendly since I do want to involve my kids in some respects. Others would be just for me.

I am having a some difficulty with the bucket list. Can any one help on that? I would really be thankful!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Just another day and allergies!

Well I haven't posted in a while. I got a job Weee! Though its a temp job and no guarantee of being hired full time however it is a great company. I have a few months of 9-5 basically to earn some money.  Its nice not to be in my house 24/7 however the time lost with my little ones is a big deal. I liked having them around me and doing things that I could see them learn and grow.

So last week B and G had a few strawberries and what ensued was a night of being sick. Except for me. I wondered about it and then realized that OMG they both had the same fruit. First the thing one granny said was if it wasn't Organic then it could have been the pesticides that resided on the fruit. So I thought it was because the next day the strawberries that were left had mold on them so I threw them away and thought nothing of it. Until this weekend when B was eating strawberries at a friend's party. Then I saw the hive on her cheek... I guess an allergy test is coming soon for her and G. Poor little ones!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Sucked into Pinterest

I have been board and kind of old maidish since I have some time while my husband is in his world, so I have been throwing myself into finding how-to's and making clothes and other items for my little ones.


 Here is something I found on Pinterest. This pinafore is something I really wanted to try this because it looked so simple. From start to finish it was 30 minutes combined. I did mess up on the center as the skulls are upside down rather than the side skulls. I really wanted to make this reversible, I can still make more (which I plan to do) just this one is going to be one sided. I also made button holes! Its a small start and hopefully I can get to a point of selling them on my Etsy Shop and some Farmer's Markets next year. I'll post more things I made from Pinterest soon!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

#back2school Day 1 $200 GC to Amazon!

The First Giveaway for the Back to School event is the Amazon $200 Gift Card. The giveaway starts at midnight on Aug 13th and will close on August 31st at 11:59pm.

Thank you to MySillyMonkeys ( for organizing this giveaway.

Back to School Giveaway time!

You may be wondering, Amanda you don't have kids that go to school as you have a three year old and an 8 month old so why are you doing this? Simple I have friends and relatives that are going through the Back to School drama and its hard out there when you need to save money. So during the 13-31 of Aug. a bunch of bloggers and thanks to MySillyMonkeys ( for organizing this giveaway.

Starting tomorrow win a $200 Gift Card for Amazon!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

sad to see it go #voltklout

Well it's been fun! The Volt left our driveway this afternoon to go off to another test driver. Hope they vacuum before it goes to the next house. So now pros and cons of the Volt:

1. Easy on the pocket book. I didn't have to fill it up once. Granted it will reflect on the electric bill a few dollars more, however it beats $3.89 a gallon that I have to pay on my RAV4.
2. The optional DVD player is cool when not in drive.
3. Very good commute car especially in stop and go traffic. I gained a mile back in energy by the traffic and going down hills.
4. Super quiet. You could not hear the engine when it switched over from electric to gas. Grace fell asleep in it a few times.
5. Navigation in the drivers HUD. Awesome!! Did not have to hear a ding or crane my neck to see what was the next turn was.

1. Plugging it in every night. I know, I know its the nature of the plug-in cars just wanted to say it.
2, A bit of a tight squeeze for tall people. The steering wheel was a bit too tight on my legs and knees.
3. Family car it is not. Again its a commuter car or for those with out a family. I had a hard time with a stroller, a diaper bag and random toys then trying to fit one bag of groceries in the back trunk.
4. The controls, all be it slick and cool looking; are functionally impaired. I had a hard time with the touch panel and the controls that were touch sensitive. It doesn't have a child safety lock on it so my tot got into everything!
5. DVD player when in drive didn't play. My tot was disappointed so I didn't bring them after the first trip.
6. There is no option to turn just the radio off. The center console had an on/off button that controls everything so if I wanted that displayed I had to have the radio on. Maybe if I had more time I could have tinkered with it more.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I puffy heart the Volt #VoltKlout

Day two of the three days I have this car. Though its small for tall people with two kids in the back (Can't stretch out in the seat like a thug), its still comfortable with the leather seats. I really like the HUD (Heads up Display) in the car. Even with the side Navigation turned on it still displayed the turn by turn directions where I could see it and with out the pings that the Prius uses to alert you to the turns.

There is a lot of space for little stuff. The eye glass area is just above the center console and it actually has a voltage out let in there as well. In the center console there is a outlet there too and a USB dock for the iPhone or any other gadget that you can think of. There is actually a rear camera that I don't use because I don't have one in my car and I am going to have to say good bye to the car tomorrow (wiping away a tear).

Tot's perspective she thinks its a beautiful car and the only draw back is not seeing the movies while driving.

I think it needs more trunk space as I have my Orbit stroller in back and I doubt that I could do a full grocery run in it. I think a bit bigger car like my RAV4 is best when kids are involved. I wouldn't mind having it for a commute car if I needed one. As I did go to San Mateo and back still on the electric battery.

**Please note I was given the car for three days and was not paid to write reviews about it.**

Monday, August 6, 2012

#VoltKlout day 1

Wee I get a new car! At least for 2 more days. Me and my gals are riding big in the 2012 Chevy Volt! That's right a hybrid for me, its currently charging in the driveway. I didn't get the  red one (sort of disappointing, I was looking forward to driving one in that color) I got the white one instead. I guess its best that I did not get that color because I would have to explain to my husband why I have so many speeding tickets. Any way, the day kind of stunk because the address they had was wrong and it took up most of the day to get the car here. The guy was super nice and helped me with transferring the car seat from my car to the Volt. After that I grabbed a few DVD's (fully loaded with that feature), popped one in so my tot had something to do besides look out the window and drove off. 

To my tot's horror, the DVD screen went blank as soon as I put the car in Drive. I know its for the drivers safety however I am not going to sit in front of my home in 70 degree weather watching something we can watch inside the house. However the audio from the movie played and we went off on our day. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

He left for the week

I asked him to stay just one more night. He said no.

Waiting for the door to close

It's Sunday night. We had a great time as a family this weekend. We laughed we cried and we were a parental unit. I don't know when he'll hold my hand. I don't know when I'll get a kiss from him. I hate not knowing. I think he's going to stay the night tonight. But I am not sure.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I know the reason

The new Muppet movie bombed. It's not the muppets of old. I think the human aspect throws it off. It's great when it's just the muppets it's great however when it goes to the human muppet interaction it becomes dull. The muppet co star takes a bit of getting used to and the back and forth breaks the reality.

Good thing I saw this at home and not in the theaters.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

We went to the library today

Me and the girls are starting to build a weekly routine like Tuesday starting next week is Library day and Fridays are trips to the zoo. They may be pushed back a bit to include every day dealings, but to provide a regular weekly initiatory is good for me and them. Bella misses daycare a lot and hasn't had much interaction as of late so we are going to have the trips to the library as an outlet for her. Grace on the other hand will like the new faces that are around and might take some interest in the books that she hears.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The many faces of reality

So today my husband said that my posts don't reflect reality, well his mother told him that. He said that during this past weekend he spent borrowed money to buy us food for the week. Which was true. He did spend money for shopping for this house and his own. I mean how many packets of hotdogs can one person eat from Costco?

He said that I wanted to light his stuff on fire. I know that is not right both for for my kids sake and for my own marriage sake. Sometimes I need to vent and it needs to be out of my head so it doesn't fester.

It's a shame that MIL doesn't tell him about the posts where I pour my heart out saying that I want him back and I would do anything to have him back to him. Just a filter through the good things and point out the bad things to my husband.

He still says he doesn't know when he'll be back at home, he says he doesn't think I hear him in therapy. We only had two so far together. Three if you include the one on one sessions we had last week. I heard him that he doesn't know how he feels about me. He smiles when I talk about what I love about him, then says I doesn't understand or listen to what he says. He says he doesn't know. That I have pulled away from him emotionally, which I have not. He says I have pulled away from Bella emotionally which I have not. Sure I have had some issues in the past because being a mother with not a good role model its only what I have learned and I am trying to fix that.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Same old shoot

So money is the root of most of the problems we are having besides the communication breakdown in our relationship. Him saying to me I can't afford the house with all the other things "{he}" needs to pay for excluding what I personally owe.

So it came to my surprise when I found out he is renting a house. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a backyard. I asked him about it and he said he couldn't afford anything closer. 30+ miles away from your kids, your wife and the rest of the people who care about him. So because of the Internet I looked up what the rental cost. The same as the freaking mortgage! Except it's a tad higher than that of the mortgage.

I am trying to survive by scratching every nickel and dime I can find together so my kids can eat and he's living alone with his mother helping at every turn. To me it doesn't seem like a temporary location.

I feel like throwing out everything that is his and just lighting it all on fire. But that would be wrong and I could probably get more money out of the items than setting them on fire.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

He's gone for the week

The new normal for a while I guess. Here on the weekend filling my kids with father time and then poof, gone for 5 days. I guess its better than the whole 7 however its still taxing on me.

I asked him today how he would feel if I did what he did and up and moved 30+ miles away and left him in the spot I am in now. He said he'd be pissed and hurt. Well that is the way I feel right now. I also said that I would like for him not to look like I was killing his cat when I say I love you to him. He said he still feels something for me and that is why he wants to still be in counseling. He said the place isn't forever (though its a 12 month lease) and when he's ready he'd talk with the landlord about breaking the lease. A few months at the least. 

Until then, we need to survive the best we can.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

Night Troubles - Bella

I first thought that Bella's night troubles were just a period of time trying to adjust out of the family bed. And for a while it was. Then when Grace came in the picture, I thought it was regression. And for a while it was. Then the last few months its been her feeling like daddy was going to leave so she stayed up. And for this past week since he's been gone, she's been going to sleep at 7:30 rather than 9 pm. Well, both have been going to sleep early. Except for tonight.

Her grandmother came today for a little while and ate dinner. After her being a part of the night time routine I have been doing with Bella for just this week, I based that she would get to sleep by 7:45 or 8 however she did not. She was telling her grandmother not to go, blocking the door with her body. This is exactly why the councilors, and I didn't want him to leave. Any one leaving the house makes Bella's anxiety goes to 11 and its not the best thing for her. She didn't go to sleep till 9:30 and Grace didn't get to sleep till 9. 

I am going to really hate this weekend. I am debating whether I should even let him see her long. I know its good for her to see him. However he's not going to be here at night. Maybe I should talk with him before he comes over so that he knows about this issue. I don't know.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

"Don't go daddy!"

The words echoed in the hall and my head as I am seated in the couples therapy room while my husband left for work as Bella tried to get him to stay. I couldn't help but break down because I know how it feels for some one to go that you really want to stay. I felt helpless, I did not want this to happen to her. She's the collateral damage. The one that suffers the most right now. Grace is too young to know much of anything that is going on right now. The cats know someone is missing, yet they seem to be calmer and not fighting one another any more.

Now, there are some hard choices I have to make in the next few days that I wish I didn't have to; however to protect my children I need to make.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What to do now, not knowing.

So I have no job, my husband is in self exile from our family and come to find out that the house is now two months past due. Life is at its best when in the crapper right? Feel like my happy ending is still far away.

There are so many things on my mind that it hurts. I want to talk to a friend, to my husband, to the world. I guess I am doing that right now.

The unknown for me is scary. I had so many times when I was little when the unknown meant a lot of changes for me. I didn't know if my mother was going to be home from one night to the next when I was 8 years old. I didn't know what type of mood she was going to be in when I saw her. I didn't know if I would have a meal that day because all that was left in the refrigerator were left overs from a few weeks past. My unknowns brought turmoil and strife. Never knowing was my undoing.

For my kids, I wished it was different, and to some degree it has been different. I am home and stable for the first time in a long time (even when I didn't have a husband and 2 kids). I feel like I am gaining self esteem and understanding what is going on around me.

My husband is the wild card now. Not knowing when or if he'll be back in my life as a husband and a lover. Not knowing if the vows he made and I made to him on our wedding day will hold true even with the this test before us. I guess that is my lot in life right? Eternally not knowing, having my heart broken in between the good times.

He left us

So for half a month he has had a place and tonight he made it his official residence for the first night.

His sister and mother helped him get the place. All to quietly helping him leave while saying they support us trying to get help to fix the issues that divide us.

No words can describe the betrayal I felt as he quietly walked out and locked the door while his eldest still wanting daddy until she fell quietly asleep.

How do you say to a three year old it is not your fault daddy left while promising mommy that he'll stay until she finds a job? That grandma and auntie helped him leave? And never had the guts to tell mommy themselves?

I need to hear why from them. No excuses, no lies.

So many things I need to do in the mean time. Get an alarm for the house since there is no one but the lone male cat to protect us. Get a new bed. One with a head board, or at least make one. Try to be strong for my girls. Show them that even when life hands you the worst lemonade you can still make good house cleaner.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Starting to set expectations

I think for the life of our relationship, my husband and I have been setting our own expectations of each other and not discussing what they are with each other.

Going to work and paying the bills were the standard expectations when we didn't have kids. We didn't discuss what was expected of us after kids. We did a bit however stopped talking about them and it brought heartache and term oil to this relationship.

I think partly it's the "man" vs "woman's" roles that we all take on. I feel that it is hard to shoulder all the house work on one person. However I always looked on it as a whole never thinking parts until recently. My husband had to shoulder a lot. I wasn't believing in myself a whole lot and decided it would be better if others did it for me. Like look after my kids or cleaned the home. I always felt in the way or too inexperienced.

That was the lack of self esteem butting in. I always complained that jobs were not hiring me because of lack of experience and I was shooting myself in the foot for just that with house work. I think, if I applied one fourth of the energy a bit earlier that I did in pitting myself to house work, I would be the master at it.

So my expectations of myself are:

1) Make the beds
2) Get breakfast ready
3) Get everyone dressed for the day
4) Make snacks for the day
5) Have fun with my girls in the back yard

Lunch time
1) Get lunch prepared and eaten
2) Wash morning and lunch dishes (Video time for girls)
3) Put in a load of laundry
4) Do a quick once over of the floors

1) Get the girls to nap (maybe just one, I would considered that a victory! Wouldn't you?)
2) Fold and put away laundry
3) Small house work (if time)
4) A trip to the park to get some energy out
5) Start ABC's and numbers with Bella

1) Get dinner ready for Bella and then for us
2) Wash the dishes from dinner prep
3) Get Bella into a great night time routine that incorporates play and reading time with daddy and the whole family
4) Reconnect over dinner with my husband
5) Wash dishes while husband helps to put them away.

I think that's a good start. I can always add to it, as I know a start is a start and not a final solution.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The cold and warm days

We all have them. Husband is still cool towards me, however there are times where I see him warming up towards me. Then as I think he's going to crack he mounts the ice wall and freezes me out again. *Sigh* what am I to do besides let him be him right?

I have been working with a long time friend of mine Pen, as she likes to be called, for a few weeks. We have talked for a few hours a day or by text. She's my life line without her I would have been a fish out of water. She's been brave to share her stories so I can learn from them in order for me to put forth a new Amanda. An enjoyable, love able self that I know that is in me.

Her own stories and journey through life, though different, has put an insight to my own past and change my own reality of how my mother was. To drop the baggage out of a window of a moving train. I never knew how freeing something was until I dropped a few pounds of emotional garbage that I thought I got rid of, but I did not.

I hope it's not too late for us so we can get back to being that happy couple again as my picture shows above. I feel there is a chance and I will be holding my arms out to give him the biggest hug I can.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Of course my me time

Lately I haven't had me time. How do you tell a 3 yr old and a 7 month old mommy needs space? As it is with the climate in the house the 3 yr old is cling to me and will not let me out of her sight (right now she's looking over my shoulder looking at the iPad, lucky for me (?) she can't read).

Since husband decided to spend some time alone with his thoughts, I have been trying to sort out my own thoughts between the girls naps, while I try to cook, wash dishes and try and become a better mommy. Parenting has been my goal for Bella and Grace.

Trying to figure out where my husband stands on us has been the other half of my thoughts. I truly love the guy. He's been my rock when I felt like I was drifting out to some island. My yin to my yang, the balance I need to get through the day. Now I can't touch him, say I love you to him with out feeling a sense of a deep pit of emptiness. I want the couples therapy to show him that the spark is there and not blown out. I want to better communicate with him. I want a better life for my kids. Better than solo daddy and solo mommy.

I pray when I get a moment to myself that he does find that feeling of trust and love again.

Then and only then will I take a few hours to myself.

How to say I'm sorry

Yesterday was the first day of couples therapy. I thought it would be a round like any other around our house. I went in with an open mind and thoughts that this might be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. However I heard something for the first time in years from him. "I am hurt. She doesn't support me when I am down." Maybe I have but there has been a lot on my plate in resent months and I have been reflecting on me not us. I thought I was. I thought that by doing all of the things I was doing that it was helping us. In reality it was tearing us a part.

I wanted to say I am sorry at the appointment however when I did say it he wasn't hearing it. I understand, I know he needs time. Its hard for me to not want to wrap my arms around him, give him comfort when he's wounded. I probably would do the same. Its his choice when he wants to come back to being us. For now I need to wait and just be. That is very hard for me to do. Very hard.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Today we start

Today we start couples therapy. I would like to think that this is some blimp in our other wise happy marriage I would be wrong. I really hope he can open up and tell me the reasons in therapy. He said he would tell me the reason why he needs his own space there at least.

I am needing so many positive thoughts it hurts. I have been working with everyone I could think of to get my emotions, thoughts and feelings under control about this situation and not have them spill to the kids.

The kids hurt right now especially Bella. A few nights ago she tried to put our hands together and he pulled away. I think she can feel that daddy is going away. I am trying to stay strong for her and for Grace. They are the real victims here.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Unemployment Sucks

As of yesterday I got denied again for unemployment. Yes, I have a roof over my head and two daughters to look after however it's going to be a thousand times rougher to go for an interview and then if I need to put Bella and Grace in Day Care I at least have 1 spot however if both need to go because of some twisted sense of reality (and you know that will happen with me) I am stuck again. Maybe not I get a job with a daycare built in.

I had another argument with husband. If he moves out (more likely now) I want to know the place that the kids will be staying and that over nights might be a month or two after that. He thinks I don't trust him with Bella or Grace. I do however think it will take a few times to know the place. I don't want to throw her in a place that it doesn't feel like home. I am still breastfeeding Grace so it would be tough for me to stop that on the weekend or weeks she's gone.

I married and had kids because I love him, I thought this wouldn't happen. I promised myself that if I opened my heart to a man it would be for life. I had my fair share of horrid people in my life. I want to be happy, joyful with him and the kids that we brought into this world. If I had any doubts I would not have gotten married, I would have just spent my life alone. Now I feel like this is a horrid dream I can't wake up from and I so want to wake up, be hugged and told everything will be ok and all right.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Fractured Fairy Tale

My life is one right now. I have known my husband for 8 years, 4 of them married and 2 kids ages 3 and 7 months.

Just recently I found out that in the 5 years he has slowly fallen out of love with me. Why? Only he knows at this point and not sharing. Now he wants to be separated, live in his own place "for a while" and work on us.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay here with me and the kids. I don't want weekends away from them. I don't want them to know a new place. I feel like I am very selfish right now. I feel very protective of my children right now.

Maybe in a few months with some talking to a councilor we'll be on the right track. Though right now in the moment, I feel hurt, betrayed, a lone. However I have to be strong, willing to hear him out and finding a way to put two kids in daycare AND pay for my home. Any suggestions?

Friday, July 13, 2012

#MLBMobyWrap ~ Giveaway

As promised, today Friday the 13th and its my Blog's birthday! Four years ago I got on to the internet and started to type away.

My life with wearing wraps started with my eldest daughter, as one usually does right? However the first couple of attempts were problematic. They didn't fit well or my eldest became too heavy, as baby's do.

Skipping the baby carrier, whether it be wrap or pack of some type, was something I thought I could do. So on my first visit with my eldest to AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants, was with me, my daughter and the stroller, as you can see she wanted out and I had to hold her the rest of the tour, probably cut short because of me and her.

The second time I visited, my husband came and I thought I would be smart. Bring the Baby Bjorn, I thought. As you can see my husband nor the Bjorn helped with my eldest's feelings of being miserable. I wished there was another option.

Two years and some months later my youngest was born and a few months after that Moby Wraps came out with their MLB line. I was over the moon excited to see the first few teams they had was the SF Giants! They had both the "Orange" (really Sienna) and Black, so I bought both! 
much better with the Moby!
So decided to give you my readers a chance to win one yourself! Here are the current teams, hopefully your home team or favorite team is represented. I know one team I would love to see (maybe have) is the Minnesota Twins (click here for my reason)!

Atlanta Braves (Navy)Arizona Diamondbacks (White)Boston Red Sox (Red)Chicago Cubs (Gray)Chicago White Sox (Gray)
Cincinnati Reds (Red)Detroit Tigers (Navy)LA Dodgers (Gray)LA Dodgers (White)New York Mets (Gray)
Oakland Athletics (Black)Oakland Athletics (Gray)Philadelphia Phillies (Gray)SF Giants (Black)SF Giants (Sienna)
St. Louis Cardinals (White)
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Book for the Toddler Parents

So a few months ago a twitter friend @abbienourmel (read her blog its interesting!) recommended a book called "I Brake for Meltdowns: How to Handle the Most Exasperating Behavior of Your 2- to 5-year-old"

I thought mehh I don't need a book to tell me that I am a bad parent and yet another thing to run my all ready complicated life even more to the ground. So I waited. As my life got more of a meltdown and my husband told me to "fix myself", I decided to check the book out.

And boy did this book change my life and book recommendations! I have been reading this book for a week now and I have been able to control my own melt downs when it comes to the tiny terror. I haven't put some of the valuable information in to practice because I have to wait till they appear, however the information about sleep time and how to discipline them with out being over bearing has been super effective. I have learned about potty training in a whole new light and feel like I can tackle the task with a much stronger grasp instead of yelling at her, I can make sure she's comfortable with her life and that milestone as I think she wasn't too happy with the fact that I have been hard nosed about getting her out of diapers... excuse me Pull-Ups, for the last 8 months. I don't look at it as shameful or a reflection of my parenting, but something she needs to be ready for and I think that will win the war and not have to fight the battle.

As the best advice I can give a new parent is to buy this book before the kid(s) reach the age of two because it will save your sanity trying to figure out how to make sure you don't become "that parent" at the playground. You know, the one that when a kid does one thing out of line, its like World War 3 and even the birds clear a path for the explosion.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do I believe in myself?

At the end of Peter Pan, Peter asks everyone to clap if they believe in Tinkerbell as she lay clinging to life at the end of the movie. I remember as a young girl, clapping my hands to make sure the 40 year old movie heard me and I remember being joyful when she woke up and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

I still believe in Tinkerbell and clap at the end of the movie, what I did lose is the belief in myself. Having a horrid childhood can do that to a person. And I have been taking it out and not believing in the people around me. Especially my husband. I don't know if he has the energy to clap anymore.

When I was younger my mother (Captain Hook in Peter Pan); threw cannon ball after cannon ball of negativity, self doubt and every bad curse word she could think of to knock me down and my step-dad was there to help dust me off but as I got older the cannon balls made holes in me. Far too tiny to see in a picture by an outsider. I could see it though. I thought that by growing up and getting away from her I was able to start believing in myself. I thought wrong.

I think when I had Bella, I thought it was part of my mother's curse. Yet another thing my mother got right about who I am as a person. And as I learned the sex of my second child I felt like again I had failed. However my husband didn't give up the belief I could change my attitude towards them as they didn't chose to become girls just to taunt me. I realize this now as I look back on the past 3 years and two kids later.

I need to start clapping for myself. Believing I can succeed in life, to teach my girls they can succeed in life with the grace and dignity that I should have been raised with but was unfortunate not to get. I need to show my husband that this will work for the family and not a fly by night one time deal.

I am still going to do the #MLBMobyWrap Giveaway because this week is the All Star Break and I am still all about giveaways!

So world watch out I am clapping my way to victory. I am still in the top of the seventh with one out and a runner on second.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Take me home to the ball game #MLBMobyWrap

In October of 1987 I was 8 years old, a girl and never had a baseball bone in my body. My step dad spent his Saturday in the living-room glued to the afternoon TV. I wandered in, sat down and what I did not realize a program that would change my life. 

The program was the 1987 World Series. The Minnesota Twins vs the St. Louis Cardinals. I watched my step dad arguing with the TV and I wondered why. Then questions started.

Why are there four balls to three strikes? Why is it called a home run? Why after three outs do they changed sides? How many people are there on a team? Who, What, Where, Why, When and How. My step dad tried to keep up with the questions. With each change in the game there were new questions. The games I watched with him started a bond that he thought would never come to be with me. 

The Twins won the World Series and became my #1 team for that year. I didn't know about American Leagues or National Leagues, I didn't know much about the sport of Baseball, rankings, play-offs, even about the A's or the San Francisco Giants; however I knew that I bonded my step dad, I loved this new sport and life would never be the same after that fall of 1987. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

My daughters are baptized

Religion is not a major part of my life, however it did form my ideas about life and how I see religious figures. For me religion is something that can be talked about for ever and some one has a disagreement with any point. I don't throw my values in any one's face and usually I keep it pretty under the radar with religious mobojumbo because its not my place to say one religion is higher than the other.

I was baptized when I was seven or eight as a Lutheran. My husband was never baptized. We were married at Grace Cathedral in 2008 because I was baptized. That meant to me that if my children were to get married in the future, they too would have to be baptized. Even in today's world no matter if you are one religion or another, being baptized is still regarded in some form as currency and sociably accepted. Entrance in a school, marriage, some organizations and even in death, being baptized is a requirement.

So for me baptizing my kids was something important to them instead of having a bath tub baptism and preform it ourselves (we are universal life church persons) we chose to have the baptism at the place we were married. Grace Cathedral. 

They only do baptisms 4 times a year. We were lucky that the baptism was in June. Bella turns three in a less than two weeks and Grace will be 6 months old next Saturday. The next one would have been in November. Not the best time for the family (Thanksgiving and all.).

Here are some pictures that I took before the ceremony. I got more of Bella than of Grace, however I am planing on when Grace is older have her do almost the same pictures as these. I don't think I can recreate them however I can try and get them close.

 The above pictures I am going to save for Bella's wedding day it seems the perfect picture to give her when she's just married. Maybe have the one with her and her dad and a picture of them walking down the isle when she's about to get married. The only thing I wish is that darn back pack wasn't there.
 The lone picture of Grace as she looks at the alter. Also another picture of Bella however she looks like she's 5 or 6 in this picture. Well enough of my religious pictures and cuteness.

Tomorrow is the first installment of #MLBMobyWrap! Stay tuned!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Friday, June 1, 2012

For my Blog Birthday - An MLB Moby Wrap! - UPDATED

San Francisco Giants Black (
I have been thinking about what to give readers for my blog birthday and now I know what to give one lucky reader. An MLB Moby Wrap of their chosen team!

This fits perfectly with my Blog Anniversary because the Major League Baseball All Star Break happens to be the same week!

***Details - Moby Wrap WILL BE sponsoring this giveaway!! Though Major League Baseball will not be sponsoring this giveaway!***

I am doing this because I love two things - BASEBALL and WRAPS!

I will be posting a few stories about my past visits baby wearing at AT&T Park with my oldest Bella and how my experience has changed with my youngest Grace.

Each post will have something to do with Baseball and Wraps whether it be the Moby Wrap or other ones I have used in the past. I will be placing a key word in each post and it will be used in the giveaway as well.

During the week of the All Star Break, July 9-13, I will post my final "Wrap" up posts for my love of Baseball and baby wearing. On my Blog "birthday" Friday, July 13, 2012; I will be posting a Rafflecoptter giveaway for that weekend for one of the awesome MLB wrap of your choice!

Thank you to the fine people at Moby Wrap for giving one away for this Blog-a-bration! And I have worn both of the SF Giants Wraps and just love them!

FAQs -
  1.  What if I don't live in the USA? Its fine! Just make sure you are in an area where Moby can ship to!
  2. What if I don't like baseball? WHAT?? This is also fine, if you love the Moby Wrap show your city pride, every one will think you love baseball!
  3. What if I win, however I have a friend that I won it for? Fine by me, when you get the winning email just let me know a name and address to ship the wrap to!
  4. What if I won and they don't have my favorite team? That is an issue! Right now Moby Wrap has 8 teams on the website. I hope that by the time the All Star Break Week comes around they will have more to chose from. If not, you can always go with the MLB team that is closest to your city. 
  5. Are you, Amanda going to get another MLB Wrap or another item for blogging about this giveaway and Moby Wrap? I am not nor will not receive any prize other than the joy of sending one lucky person their own MLB Moby Wrap. Its my present to you! 

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Why I Pink Puffy Heart #Twitter

Please ask me if you want the original!
Wee babe G

This is not an advertisement for twitter; however if you know me, I tweet more to my online friends then I talk to my real life friends. Why? Because I don't have 10 real life friends. Before you feel sorry, its not that I don't want real life friends, I actually do, however the few I do have are long term friends.

With my depression (and my luck) all the people whom I seem to have a lot in common in the flesh, run away from me when I have a low period or when I change my moods really fast. Because they don't know what or how to deal with me. I feel trapped some how that its a cycle. Girl meets friend, girl gets depression/mania, Girl loses friend.

That I think is why Twitter for me is great. If I need to vent I can and people will want to gather and support me, not run away from me. If they "UNFOLLOW" me because of it, its not like a slap in the face to me as a co-worker subbing and telling other co-workers my issues because I let down my guard. I only share what I need to share nothing more.

I was surprised when Twitter stated I was similar to the women you see on the right. They are women who I'd like to be. They are part of who I "FOLLOW" and chatted with a few times heck I am even starting a business with @mama2_3penguins! For the people who say its a dumb idea to go into business with some one whom I have never met in reality, I wouldn't go as far as saying its a dumb idea, however I would say its a high risk that it could back fire on me!

If I had the money I would get a convention center in the middle of the country and invite all 600+ people to come and meet me and the rest of the folks that are on twitter. I know Blog conventions do that however this would just be for twitter people who I call my friends.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Safety First with SafetyBook - Review and Giveaway!

Being a second time mom, you would think I would have the folder with all the manuals and have all of the product cards filled out and sent to the manufacture for the recall notices all completed? Confession, I have with a few products but not all! I know I am a bad mom for not doing this. However, as easy as surfing the Net; Safety Books makes it even easier to have the information at your finger tips.

I plunged in and registered for Safety Book I registered two items at first to check out the site. If you look below here is just an example of what I found out:
There was a re-call notice last year for my car and I didn't get anything from the car company!

This notice is very detailed and a lot of information about the recall
This prompted me to call the dealership and see if my car was effected since I have to drive my kids around town every day and guess what? I took my car into the dealership and they fixed the problem. Now I am a SafetyBook fan for life!

This Memorial Day weekend please stay safe and along with this giveaway of 4 (Four) free lifetime memberships; Safety Book has also generously giving to you a 50% off code to use by May 31st SAFEHOME50 and if you want to try it with out opening your wallet you can register 3 items for free!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

**I am writing this as sponsored post from the company. I was given one of the $18 lifetime membership to review the product, however my review along with my words are my own and I would sate just the facts**

Thinking about my world

In recent days I have been taking a hard look at who and what I do and am. Am I strong enough for being a power player? Both at work and at home?

Monday, May 21, 2012

Fighting self doubt

I have been unemployed now for two months and its getting easier to live without waking up at 4 in the morning to go to a job that made me wonder if I would have a job the next day. Yup, along story short that happened with me.

Its been hard on me because it makes every penny count twice as much as when we had a second income. I am working on my home spun idea and its getting closer to reality. I got a loan approval for my education. Though I had to ask my dad to be a co-signer. Its hard when you are almost 33 years old and still have to rely on your parents to get a loan. So I better get an A+ for the courses right?

I think myself doubt is coming in when I see my husband have to make a decision whether to pay his car loan or the house bills for the month. Both are equality important, however with me not working its going to get tougher on him. He can't afford to not have his car taken away, his job is an hour away, he needs gas, and food for lunch.

To add on top of that I am highly thinking about pulling B out of daycare. Yes, I am still keeping her in daycare. I haven't decided to pull her out because I think she likes it and I am hoping a to have a job in the next few weeks and I don't want to pull her out just to put her back in and G at the same time. I want to home school them so its better to get her out now right?

Why the self doubt? Because of the lack of a second income, is my will power strong enough for two kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Can I home school and hold down a job and bring in a second income all at the same time? Am I insane for wanting it all?