Windows in My life

Monday, November 23, 2009

a Letter to my mother

Dear Mom,

Let's see it's been two years since you passed away and a lot has happened. Got married and resently gave birth to a baby girl. I know you would be beaming at her and maybe you are from where ever you are right now.

Every day I keep wondering what I was like as a little baby in your arms when my baby hits a milestone. What age was I cooing? What age was I sitting up. Was I always up for the first few months or a sound sleeper even at 2 months?

Your grand child will never know our side of the family since it's so fragmented. The conversations with my Aunts are usually distant because of the distance you kept with them. They don't know the small things with me as you did. All of the big firsts you saw and recorded, but some left when you left this earth. Some times I think she is you, but she is her own person. Though I look at her and I can't help but wonder if any of our side peeked through. MIL has told me accounts of when my husband was little but I would think you have a bit to say about me as a baby too. Maybe too much information.

I ask my step dad how I was when I was little, but he doesn't remember much because he wasn't allowed at the time to be around me or he wasn't there because you as the sole provider didn't want any one around. Again I do not know about that time in my life. "I don't remember" is a montra that he keeps repeating and it hurts to hear but questions keep poping out when I am around since he is my sole source of information for that time period.

I hope that you are finally at peace and I'll write more latter.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Big Brother Big Sisters and Friendship Stone


This is my first big promotion for a great company and a great organization!

Have you every given away a friendship bracelet or something small (or large) to a friend to remember you by? Do you have something like that in a keepsake box on your dresser and every time you look at the object it reminds you of that person and you are comforted by that thought and reminds you to get in contact with that person?

Well the people at Friendship Stone (Follow them on twitter @friendshipstone) have taken that to heart and teamed up with the Big Brothers Big Sisters to give a lucky person a set of necklaces that you can give to your best friend.

Please click the banner and you can enter today!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Why am I awake

Honestly, baby is a sleep next to me, hubby is drunk on the Quil (Niqul) because he is sick and I am looking at other peoples blogs and super jealous of what they have in regards to a home and a baby that sleeps in a crib. I wish I could have at least the house part but would love to have one night where my baby isn't at my boob and I could get some sleep. Some nights I want to turn over so I have to wake the little one to move and she doesn't go down right away! *FAIL*

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Lefty v Righty

Talking about boobs for a second. In my few months of lactating for my little one, I have fought with them to produce more so they can keep up with the high demand of her needs. Each one is different in size and shape and output. I wish that they would be consistant with the out put each day is different and each hour is as different as the next.

I have also medicated them, well myself, with herbs and other wreid tasting teas. I am thinking about the health of my baby though and can live with out good tasting soda and beers. Though I have had some soda I have not yet had the PP taste of Guiness. I know for one pump I can but not wanting to be a snob I would rather have my baby have fresh off the tap then frozen right now.

In about a month or so I am faced with a decision that I have been putting off for the sake of my baby. Due to my depression (not the PPD but a harsher kind) I need to start taking my medication that would really be bad for baby. I put it off while I was pregnant because of the bad health risks that she could have devloped in the ute and I really wanted to boob feed because it helps with the development and I was boob fed. Kind of in a weird way returning a healthy life for my baby that my mother provided for me.

So the hard question is when do I stop for the health of my baby, in June or for my health in December? That is the question.