Windows in My life

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Going to work at 6am doesn't leave much time for much but at 2:30 woot! Time to go home and be with the LO!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

my milk came back... for now

Just as I thought it was a bleek out look I got Milk for Two and my supply shot up! I don't think I am pregnant, since we have only attempted to do the deed twice (hurt each time, but less the second time) and there has been no other contact. Maybe stress the big tank buster came my way.

In that time I have made peace with things not in my control though it is hard not to think about it, it in the future and in the past and I need to live in the present for my baby! Like I was when I was at home with her!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Milk Tank went hard core

So I think there is added stress on you when you work and and your hubby needs to fire people and he is on the verge of getting fired himself. I was getting better with the pump at work thing then Tues-Thursday, I saw and felt like my boobs were going back to no milk status. I wasn't going to give up so I went searching for websites this is a good one I found: The site is awesome about suggestions and the fact that its very positive and like a friend next door attitude is another plus! Milk is coming back so hopefully I am past the dark week.

if men had the kids

Then there would be the following:
1. Leave from work for 6 months, not 12 weeks.
2. Men would understand why women get pissed of at MIL's but instead FIL's
3. Breastfeeding would become an actual sport and so would baby shuffleboarding (Malcome in the Middle reference - does anyone remember that show? I do - "life is unfair")

I write this with the realization that my own MIL is about to be primary care giver to my little one and with my lack of trust of maternal women in my life a big new adventure is coming on Monday of going to work full time, last week was awesome because I worked for 6 hrs, pumping in weird places and sending my baby to MIL care in which I have spent a grand total of 25 days with. To me I need to spend a bit more time get to know her. My hubby says I am "over reacting" because of my lack of family and not having a loving relationship with my mother. And I would be better at this if I was on meds. Umm I think not. Meds would be good and relaxing, but going to trust some one he calls "crazy" as well but follows it up with "I got to love her" is not really confidence boosting to me! Also she goes wacko on trying to have things for my daughter. She wants to buy an air purifier for the trailer. She says it's to protect my daughter. I think that's BS. Just say it's for yourself and I'll be ok with it. Also she washes things before she gives it to us: she bought my daughter Bee tights and washed them. A few months a go while I was still pregnant, she washed a shirt that she gave me and appologized that it was still wet and a tad wrinkly. Umm we do have a washer/dryer at our house and I could have washed it myself. And when I say I want to buy my daughter something she puts it in the cart and buys it for me. I guess that is good but everytime? I need to go to bed and put pump stuff away. Thanks for reading.

Monday, September 21, 2009

day number 2

As in work day number 2. I know I need to go to work to help with Baby but it's breaking my heart that I HAVE to do this. Why can't I be a sahm and pay bills and keep house. I know the last one is something I have to work on but I can do it!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

mas leche

In order for me not to freak about my milk I made a spread sheet. Why you ask? Because with out it I would be spending long hours with the pump attached to my boobs and losing my ever freaking mind tring to see if I made enough to feed my baby. So far to date I have made 86 oz minus 9 oz she ate Friday so in total I am up 77 oz (does happy dance) for her to eat during the week and I should pump 5 times. Once in the morn before work, each 15 min brakes, once at lunch and before she gets home from GranCare. The oz should rack up but I am told and read that it, like life, ebs and flows with stress. So my goal for the next two months is not to stress out to the point of dropping my supply to zero. That would be bad!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

wait for it

It's one in the morning and I am up waiting for baby to wake up. I should get to bed before she gets up and my milk supply tanks.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

One Year ago and Today

One year ago I was worried that I wouldn't get pregnant, had a major tooth cap problem and worried about money.

Today, I have a 3 month old, the cap on my tooth is fixed and I am still worried about money.

My worries:
My 3 month old: how we can afford college as it is going to be many more thousands than I can count on my little fingers (Hoping for a scholarship!). How she will like or dislike her parental figures in the future (I guess time will tell). How MIL will impact the next 6 months she has her in her care and I won't have a HUGE say in what goes on.

How we are going to find and afford a house in a city a thousand miles away *only 650 miles, but feels like a thousand miles away* Have a down payment but no house prospects yet.

Money is always a topic of worry. Since I had my baby I have been getting GOV checks and they were coming pretty regularly until this past month and then because of a change in delivery (Me) the checks stopped and now I am past due on a few bills. I worry that I won't get enough money from the accident insurance claim and then I have to pay people and start saving for my 3 month old's college fund. I just don't know what to do.
I signed up for a work at home and since I was, is and still am depressed so I paid $250 for some products and thought I could do it but with a lack of support from my Hubby and all of the weird things in my brain, I quit. But as the products are still in my house I keep thinking about the what if and can I really do what they what me to do. I keep coming back to wanting the best for my little one.

Speaking of the little one I must attend to the dear or she's going to blow a blood vessel.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

new mom hell

Well it's offical I want to be a stay at home mom but we can not afford it. Waiting for MIL to tap out of baby holding. FML

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Why oh why is it hard?

I still am debating about my mental health. Each day I look into my Dear Daughters eyes while she sucks nutrients out of my boobs. I have pictures of it so its not like I have no record, but its just hard to know that maybe I will never have those moments. It makes me feel like a double standard as I would tell anyone to give up the feedings if it means a happier you. But why can't I do it for myself?

What to do

I have support but not 100% support from my husband. I don't know if its a 85/15 or its 95/5 but I don't have that you can do it honey attitude. I think I need a full 100% right now so that I don't feel alone. It makes me question sometimes why I am in this relationship. Is it out of convenience or now because of Bella I need to stay so that she doesn't have a messed up mommy? Or do I leave them both just for her sake and try to pick up the shattered remains? Or is it because of this depression that I am having this conversation?