Windows in My life

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Feeling like

Feeling like I can explode. With the new round of meds coursing through my body, I am finding it hard to sleep. Waking up at 3:30 am thinking that its 4 or 5 am bites. Even with the cover of darkness all I can think about is my life.

What have I done, accomplished, impacted on some one besides the fears of my kids. They are the driving force to why I want to change. I don't have the luxury of my actions impacting just myself. I would love to have a life where I can buy my kids things when they ask and they have been good. To say Sure we can go to a vacation spot with out hinging on the account that I will never get. I feel like I am completely under water and there is no way out. I need my kids to be happy and not worry about me.

I've taken action on the account.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Life is but a dream

My life has not been a dream however I really want it to become one. I have had just about enough in my life that I am crazy looking for a way out. out of the unknown. out of the head beatings I give myself because I feel like I am worth a lot less than I really am. I have to stop thinking that way. I am tired every day I don't enjoy this. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING.

Maybe I'll sing a different tune in a few minutes but my head is going through a lot. I'd like to be facebook official with some one.

Random thought. I like how my DSC says he was going to stay for 10 minutes, however that was 30 minutes ago.

I haven't been sharing on facebook. I don't know if I ever will again. no one seems to reach out and be actually interested in my day. there is one person that is interested however I am not interested in him. I keep telling him in BIG get the hint letters but he doesn't seem to get it even when I totally just fluffed him off. anyone know of a way to tell a guy in a nice way that I will never be interested in some one like him? Got to be some one?

Monday, August 21, 2017

I said thank you

So instead of getting angry and blaming everyone and their mother's under the sun, I said thank you for doing what my cousin did to help my dad.

Then he asked if he could help find "a job" because my dad can't afford to raise me... I said thank you and we can talk. I would like to talk to his job so that I can get my company to help his company however I don't see that happening any time soon. I just need to get my feet under me, get my life in order and bills paid to the point of being able to take care of myself and I see that light at the end of that tunnel. I need to just breath and make sure that I do just that one step in front of the other.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

My dad

My dad is a very good man.

My dad is helping me through this tough time.

My dad is driving me batty.

My dad makes me cry.

My dad doesn't understand the pressure I am under right now.

My dad says 3 jobs isn't good enough, my dad says that the 5 jobs I have/will have aren't good enough.

My dad accused me of buying a bike for Bella. To me that was a low blow.  Did not even ask - hey that bike looks new - where did you get it? Just straight out said I bought a new bike for Bella.

 Trying to get back on my feet ASAP! No rush but I feel like I need to move out and sleep in my car for the rest of my life in order for me to get on my feet again.


Sunday, August 13, 2017

Make it STOP!

One foot in front of the other right? Feels like face plants every day.

I have days where I am on top of the world and others I want to be buried six feet under.

I started a podcast or at least something to that effect.

I want to get better at doing this insurance thing and yet it feels like I am drowning.

I am asking for help; yet there seems to be a delay that I can't afford. I am doing my best.

I need to do more than hope. One foot in front of the other.

Monday, August 7, 2017


Asking for what I want is something hard for me to do.

I feel some one is going to rescue me in time and when it doesn't happen I feel like they failed and the victim mentality comes back to the circle.

In fact it was me, myself, and I that failed. I didn't reach out for help. I didn't take the ownership of my life and placed it out into the world.

Any suggestions to start asking for help?

I did it today and it felt good.  I needed help with my business and was feeling very flustered. I talked with a person that was two steps above me in the business and she gave me some advice and a good direction to go in. Also she is going to give me some extra work as a PA so I can learn how to navigate the world I am living in and build up my skill sets.

I just need to do it over and over when I feel like when I do need help or struggling for an answer.

I'd like you to help me as well! Any Suggestions that would help me know when to ask rather than feel like a victim is greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

How I am getting my groove back

Thinks I need to do:

1. Find an accountability partner for work and for life.

Its easy for me to start something and not finish it. I have all these great ideas and yet I don't act on them. I'd like to have some one with me to help me get the fine details to a manageable level.

2. Feeling not so overwhelmed.

Yes you say EVERYONE needs that. But I have major issues with it. Again I will need help with number one to help with this one.

3. Make my income match my wants and needs

Need to find a way to do this and I will.

4. Being there for my kids.


5.  TBD